Hello My Darling
I have attached below a copy of the letter I sent you three days after you found me. It was my attempt not to justify or excuse myself from what I did, but to try and explain the mindset that I inhabited at the time. I have left it essentially untouched, the names have been removed and one profanity modified. Apart from those changes I have reproduced it in its entirety.
You Will Always Be My Darling
From Sir With Love
I owe you an explanation, and as unsatisfying as I think you’ll find it, here it is. You will have noticed that yet again I have taken the cowards option and I’m putting it in writing. There seems to be a bit of a habit forming here.
Let me address your most recent poem (Purge). I can’t argue with it because actions speak louder than words and my actions clearly shouted themselves from the rooftops. As you concluded I think we did deserve one another and the outcome we attained. But while I explained it to my future wife as winning and losing it was never how I saw things, just how I knew she would see them.
If I could have that awful conversation with you over again, I would confess my sins, beg your forgiveness and accept the consequences, whatever they may have been. At least I would be able to look myself in the mirror and not see the bastard that I am. Instead I was too proud and duplicitous, all the while wilfully lying to myself about what was really going on. I let the best thing that ever happened to me, and quite frankly the best thing that ever will, slip away through my fingers due entirely to my own stupidity. You are the gold standard that I have measured any would be partner by; no one has even come close.
You made me a better person, I could be the man I wanted to be with you and most importantly I could be the man you deserved. When you were in my life I was blinded to the world and could only see you. I have no one to blame but myself. Anyway, here’s what I remember. I am sure if I ever hear from you again it will be to correct the facts (I will admit I can’t remember them exactly) but I vividly remember the raw emotion of that time.
We spoke on the phone as we always did, we talked about being together. We talked about what we had to do to make that happen. Then something changed, you said something to me that rocked my world. I can remember a wave of dread and loss washing over me. I was literally grateful for the fact that I was lying down because I felt like I had been hit with a tonne of bricks. I remember putting on a brave face and pretending it was all ok while inside my heart was breaking. There so many things in the mix, your parents, your children, your church. By the end of the conversation it was my understanding that you wanted to be entirely sure that you were committed to the big changes we were about to make. I am not blaming you for any of this. It was just how I interpreted what was said. For some insanely stupid reason we agreed to drastically reduce our contact. Looking back at it now any moron could see that stopping communications was the dumbest thing we could do. What a fuckwit I was for thinking that idea would work.
I hung up the phone and bawled like a little baby. We stopped calling one another. I would see you in chat; stick around for a few polite minutes then leave. It ate away at me. I was slowly dying on the inside. I had lost the centre of my world and she didn’t even know it. Now the intelligent thing to do right then would have been to pick up the phone and tell you how I was feeling, let you reassure me, talk it through. But I had deluded myself that I had to leave you alone so as not to poison your decision making (how fucking stupid and lame that looks on the written page!). I was riddled with emotion, love, passion, anguish, pain, loss, confusion, depression; words can’t begin to describe how I was feeling. All the while you were blissfully unaware. I was desolate.
Now I had rebuffed my future wife on numerous occasions, I’d never given her even the slightest consideration; I’d never even had to think about it, she was just not on my radar. I continued to rebuff her but my suffering knew no end. I needed to know what was going on; I needed some kind of resolution. Again looking at it now why I just didn’t pick up the phone I will never be able to properly say. What I can say is that I was distraught and looking for a way out. I took the coward’s way. I hit self destruct and took comfort from her. In my deluded way at least I would have an answer, even if it wasn’t the decision I was looking for. Where was the smart guy then? He had become an irrational fool and left the building.
There is no way she wouldn’t have known how I felt about you. She was just there and did what she did. God knows what lies I told myself to make me believe it was real. I knowingly projected all my hopes and dreams for us on to her. She turned out to be not even a poor facsimile. I relived our time together through her, it didn’t even come close. You have already heard me talk about the wedding as if you needed that point illustrated, but let me give you another. I remember on one of our many long and loving conversations we talked about me not having a driver’s license. I remember saying well I will have to go get one and you making some suitable smart arse comment mocking me. But I also clearly remember stating that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened to you or your kids and I couldn’t help because I couldn’t drive. I distinctly remembering deciding right there and then that I was going to get my license, so that’s what I did. I hadn’t thought about that for years but it all came flooding back to me when I was speaking to you from my car today.
We recently talked about me following what little of your life I could find on line, hoping you were happy and me living vicariously through that happiness. Well I was living the dreams I had for us vicariously through her. What a cluster fuck that was. There was only ever one and it was never her, it was you.
So there you have it, I married the wrong woman because I couldn’t control my anguish at the possibility of losing you. I was, and probably still am, an emotional retard that had an easy answer within his reach and totally failed to see it was there. I destroyed your life, my own life and probably even some of her life (but for a multitude of reasons I find it hard to show her much empathy).
I know it’s not much of an explanation and it probably doesn’t give you the answers you are looking for. You will be able to pick it to pieces (and rightly so) but it’s as I remember it. The facts have become blurry but the emotions are still as raw as they were at the time.
Thank you for tracking me down, once again I was the coward. There is no way however I could have intruded into your life after what I had done. I could only ever be invited back in and can’t thank you enough for extending that invitation. It has given me the chance to hear your laughter, share some of the joy, along with some of the tears (even though I was responsible for many of them). If reading this incites your rage and hatred, and anger starts to consume you I get it, I deserve nothing less. If I never hear from you again you have given me the chance to get some closure, which is more than I thought I would ever have and certainly more than I am entitled to. I wish you every happiness for your future my darling, I hope you and your children live a long, fulfilling, prosperous and healthy lives.
©2013 Darling and Sir