Through My Eyes

My Sweet Sir,

I know I have regurgitated some painful, ugly feelings lately. Many of those feelings surfaced due to new information I received. I am sorry for faltering. Thank you for riding this crazy roller coaster with me and for holding my hand. I know this journey will take time. It tries my patience with myself.

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes if even for a brief moment. You’d see the man I fell in love with 16 years ago. You’d see a man of strength, character, and charisma. And if by some small miracle you could visualize yourself through my eyes, I’d want you to feel the love and emotions that accompany my view. If you could experience my feelings, I think they’d leave you gasping on the floor with their intensity. They would overwhelm you and then you’d truly know and all doubt would be cast aside.

While I cannot pretend or deny away any of your painful actions, I can see past them to the man I once knew. I can feel your heart and soul. I can feel your joys and pains. I can even feel your smiles. When you laugh, the world is drawn in and laughs with you.  And, my oh my, your voice leaves me weak. I remember the gentleness and surety of your touch – the warmth, the passion, the love. My goodness your charm leaves me breathless.

You were and have always been such a magnetic presence. People have constantly looked to you for leadership and answers. You are a force to be reckoned with, and I am in awe.

I am not telling you these things to pamper any vanities or false pride you may have. On the contrary, I am merely expressing my opinions based on facts. You are my Sir – a gentleman of conviction and integrity.  You are a man who makes mistakes, yes, but one who accepts responsibility and doesn’t deviate or pass judgments.

I adore you. I love you.

Hopelessly devoted,

Darling

—————————————————————————————-

My Dearest Darling

Your words are, as always, exquisite. You see something in me that I will grant you maybe was there 16 years ago. I am not sure it is still the case today; it saddens me to say it. With you in my life I was the best that I could be. After my hideous actions I made a string of questionable decisions (actually that’s just being polite, they were atrocious decisions). Sure I could be that guy again. I could be him for the same reasons as I was him 16 years ago. You would be by my side. I don’t doubt your feelings my love, I just wonder if you are in love with a guy who doesn’t exist anymore. I feel manifestly unworthy.

If I were to have a vanity it would be my voice. You know that I have used it professionally over the years but the fact that you derive some pleasure from it makes me incredibly happy. I remember caressing you with my hands, and I long to do so again. My hands still reach out to hold you now. I ache to run my fingers along the length of your legs, to cradle your face in my hands as we kiss, to wrap my arms around you as our passion ignites.

You say that you are in awe of me. I am humbled. It is I that is in awe of you. I know what I did to you. I know how I hurt you. I have carried a flame for you, thinking I would never hear from you again. Then after fourteen and a half years my phone lights up with a message from you. I reread an email I sent you 10 hours later. It was clear even then that I was so in love with you. I could see I was trying to hold it back; I was quite literally in shock. But my love for you just gushed out all the same.

My fear is that I must seem somewhat pathetic, a broken man holding out his hand for help and attention. Once you had truly identified yourself, my heart was in the pit of my stomach. I was transported back through time and all the pain and anguish that I felt came flooding back. Not a shadow, not an echo, not a glimmer. I was there. My terrible deed was done, blood was on my hands and evil was in my heart. I was overwhelmed with the guilt and remorse I had suppressed and ignored for so very long. That I had so callously discarded the thing in my life that was most precious to me, you, made me shake my head in utter disbelief at my own arrogance and stupidity.

I love you my darling, unashamedly, unabashedly and unequivocally. You are back in my life and while I feel totally unworthy, I am still hungry for you. I am selfish and deluded. I will take any morsel I can get and still beg for more. Yes I have accepted responsibility for what I have done, but I have not forgiven myself. There is only one way that I think I ever will. That however is too much to hope for.

 

You Will Always Be My Darling

From Sir With Love

©2013 Darling and Sir

22 comments on “Through My Eyes

  1. graceh13 says:

    Very sweet correspondence. How I wish all romantic relationship would be as open and expressive as this. Life would be lovely.😉

  2. I just sighed one of those deep, dreamy sighs after reading this. Oh if this could be experienced by couples all over the world….if I could experience such a love for someone and receive it too would make one of my many dreams come true. I chuckle because this brought a smile to my face and made my heart melt.

    One thing I’m learning as I’m growing is that whatever happened yesterday is in the past and, yes, it may hurt but can we change it? No. We certainly change and stop it from happening again by not doing it again. Forgiveness is the key. One of the hardest things to do is to forgive yourself when you believe you’re unforgivable.

    I’m somewhat envious of the love you share, even when I know you’d probably tell me not to be after all the struggles you to have been through. I don’t know the circumstances but to me, from my readings, the fact that you two still have each other in your lives is incredible🙂 I congratulate you for that!

    -Megs

    • I concur with you Megs. These two are the most amazing couple I have read about at least. I am half way there, but the person I love is different. My posts would explain.

      • Hi Walking
        Each love story is unique. There is no other way to truly experience a beautiful love story apart from within one itself. I have tremendous empathy for you after reading your blog. I won’t offer any cheap word or pithy comment except to say that if it is real then love will prevail. Do not compromise yourself to try and be someone you are not. I look forward to hearing more of your story with equal parts anticipation and trepidation. I cannot wish you luck because I believe it plays no part in it. What I do however wish for you is the outcome that best suits you and your needs.
        Regards
        Sir

        • Dear Ms. Darling,

          Thank you for being such a nice person. Especially to Mr.Sir. You guys are awesome. You almost gave me electronic diabetes… :))

          Dear Sir,

          Thank you for understanding what am going through and still saying the right words. Really you two are the most expressive writers of this century. I only wish the world gets to read you.

          Regards,
          BP

          • Dear BP

            That is quite a compliment you have paid both Darling and I.

            When we really began this project, and as you would know it really was originally all of Darling’s effort that brought it to fruition, it was a chance to put our feelings down in writing, to help us make sense of them. I speak only for myself here but so far it has been both therapeutic and cathartic. Darling and I have approached this from opposite directions. Darling had spent 14 years believing I both despised her and thought her unworthy. I however, never stopped caring about her and I have never forgiven myself for my actions. Our aim I think is to truly understand it from each other’s perspective. My hope is that we will meet somewhere in the middle. I have said this many times to Darling in private and have touched on it in this blog and will no doubt touch on it again. Communication is the key. If there is not open, honest, two way dialogue then I don’t think you will ever find a way forward. There are many other things that are needed to nurture a relationship, but in the online world if communication breaks down so does the love.

            Kind Regards
            Sir

          • BP,

            You make me smile.

            ~ Darling

    • Dear Megs
      Thank you so much for you kind and heartfelt words. You are right forgiveness is the key. I tell you now though, don’t give up your dream. Mind you it is not something you can consciously give up anyway, it will either happen or it won’t, just be ready for the wild ride.
      Regards
      Sir

      • Dear sir
        You’re most welcome🙂
        Oh, I couldn’t give up my dream for a happy ending even if I tried! I’m too attached to it.
        Is anyone ever ready though? Learning to go with the flow would be a better way, one thing I’m not so good at it seems.

        Sincerely,
        -Megs

    • Megs,
      You are a joy. Your exuberance about life is infectious. I have no doubt that your dreams will come true. Just wish upon the right star.😉
      ~ Darling

      • Darling,
        Oh I’m wishing alright😛 They say patience is a virtue and we’re often rewarded for our patience so I best stick with it, no matter how much heartache I experience. Thank you🙂 You are very sweet.
        -Megs

  3. Ok, I am going to ask a stupid question (after reading so many of your posts and commenting on them). Are “Darling” and “Sir” two different people. I mean barring the fact that you two feel like one person, are you literally the same person! I cannot believe that love can be reciprocated and that too this succinctly expressed by two people. I guess the world never ceases to amaze.

    • Hi Walking
      My Darling and I are very much two people. In fact my Darling has many distinct personalities and I am not sure one would be enough to contain her……lol. She lives in the U.S. and I in Australia. Until very recently we had not spoken for 14 years. I never thought it would happen again. In the late 1990’s we spent close to two years learning the intimate details of each other’s lives. As you kindly pointed out we have succinctly expressed this in our blog. Our words defined us then and they were the bedrock of our relationship. It makes perfect sense, to both of us, to try and understand what we are going through now using words once again, only this time we decided to share it with the world.
      Regards
      Sir

    • Walking,
      I am sure Sir got a thrill from you thinking we might be the same person. And while I know he’d love to call out his own name in the throes of passion, I am just not that worthy. I do admit he is a better kisser though.
      ~ Darling

      • My Darling
        You made me cry out many things in our time together, my name however was never one of them. Now if we were to discuss cries of exhaustion, anticipation, expectation, vexation, adoration and dare I say it twitterpation then there would be merit to your suggestion. You and I both know it was you and only you. Still loving you here, a damn lot if the truth be known…..smiles
        Regards
        Sir

      • Ha ha …thank you Ms.Darling. And you can call me BP. Those are initials to my real name.

        Btw, your name reminds me of a joke I read a long time ago. There is a an office led by this really uptight lady who does not like men at all. She never calls anyone by their first name just to make sure that they dont’t feel close to her as a friendly boss. Then this new guy joins in and she asks him what his name is and this is the conversation…
        Boss:what is your name?
        John: hi, my name is John and you should be Mary.
        Boss:listen, i do not go on first name basis with anyone in the office, so I will be Ms. Smith to you. Now tell me what is your last name..

      • John:(sighs) and says my name John Darling. My last name is Darling.
        Boss: ok john…now the second thing is…

        :))
        Just kidding…

        • Well done, BP. It made me smile.
          I’d like to respond that my online name of Darling was Sir’s clever idea, but it really wasn’t like that. He calls me ‘darling’ regardless, and it makes my heart skip a beat every time. I am lucky enough that he calls every one of my so-called personalities darling. Heehee. (He was quite the cad saying that, but what can I do? He’s a dashing scoundrel who has never learned how to tread carefully. Brave soul.)🙂
          My best ~ Darling

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