My Dearest Sir,
You wrote to me a while back about sending me those first Three Songs. I listen to them frequently. I responded in kind and sent you some songs as well. I sent each one for specific reasons.
The first song that I sent you was “The Reason” by Hoobastank. I was driving in my car coming home from work when it came on the radio. We had just reconnected a few days prior, and I was still trying to process everything we had talked about. I was feeling a myriad of feelings – hurt, loss, anger, resentment, confusion, vindication (not proud of this one), anxiety, hesitancy, even happiness at finding you again.
I had heard the song before, but this time was different. I had to pull over because the music was haunting and the lyrics were overwhelming me. I felt like you were next to me holding my hand telling me to listen closely to the words. I felt shaky. My heart hurt. I listened and heard. I wept.
The next song I sent you was by The Calling – “Wherever You Will Go.” These lyrics were just as poignant especially the lines:
I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I’ll stay with you for all of time
It’s amazing how words put to beautiful music can have an effect on me. This song was no exception. This song hurt my heart too.
I sent you “An American Girl” by Bonnie McKee simply because I wanted you to remember with whom you were dealing (haha). I am a hot-blooded American girl, and you damn well know it.
I love the song “My Wish” by Rascal Flatts. I love most music genres which includes a bit of country. I knew I wanted to send you that song, because it’s how I feel. I want the best for you. I wish you all the good things in life. A couple of the lines in the song hit me rather hard though.
And if you’re faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
To hear you say years later that you made the wrong choice, well that’s just a hard pill to swallow. You gave me no choice, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have always loved you. I want you to always remember the line “If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,” because more than anything I wish for you to be happy. I always tell you to smile for me.
I remember you told me how this song affected you. I was a bit surprised, although I’m not sure why. I believed you though.
When I first heard the Betty Who song “Somebody Loves You,” I knew I wanted to send it to you, and NOT because she is Australian. I was thrilled you hadn’t heard it yet.
Somebody loves you Sir. Somebody always has and always will. I missed you when you were away. I never really thought we’d speak again. It’s still surreal to me.
My Musical Darling
As is often your want you have chosen an eclectic selection of tunes. Music has a raw beauty that the written word alone often cannot match. As you would send me more music I would add your selections to a playlist on my phone and depending on my mood I would stream my Darling’s mix.
I must confess to not keeping myself entirely current with contemporary music. I was actually only familiar with two of the tunes on your list above. The Australian artist, Betty Who, had entirely slipped under my radar. I enjoyed your choices and the lyrics were of course not lost on me.
The Rascal Flatts number I would have had little chance of discovering. I am not much of a fan when it comes to the country genre, but every now and then a song slips through that I can’t help but like. This quickly became one of those rarities. Again the poignant lyrics hit home, and the lines you highlighted of course resonated strongly with me.
“American Girl” I was not familiar with, but is has an incredible joie de verve and it neatly sums up your spirit in song form. When ever I picture you with that belligerent look on your face, I can see your jaw thrust out and your demeanour shouting at the world “I DARE YOU!.” Well this is my soundtrack to those times. I love it.
The remaining songs are just gut wrenching. I was quite familiar with them both before you sent them. However they had merely been background ephemera, and I’d never payed them close attention. When you sent them I hurt. In a way the circumstances of their arrival and what we were both going through at the time only added to the heartache. It was at some ungodly hour in the morning (something like 3.30am I think), and we were frantically texting; it was getting quite heated and emotional.
You were travelling to see a child off who would not return home for eighteen months. It was just a little over two weeks after we had reconnected, and we were both in the process of trying to come to grips with our contact. We were also catching up on the past fourteen and a half years of one another’s lives. What we had studiously avoided (or at least I had studiously avoided) was any mention of your current circumstances and what our collective future might hold.
I had a spate of wedding ceremonies to perform around this time. I knew I had one on the following day. I desperately needed some sleep, but I had become too agitated by our conversation, even though we were only text messaging. You sent me The Calling’s “Wherever You Will Go.” I remember crying at the meaning of the lyrics. You then sent me the Hoobastank number “The Reason.” I was literally sobbing uncontrollably, taking huge gulps of air between the physical manifestations of my remorse, my outpourings, and my tears.
You told me how they had affected you, then went on to explain why we could not be together. I had no right to expect that we should but all the same I became desolate. I said some stupid and some hurtful things, because I did not deal with the news at all well. These two songs will be forever associated with my own unforgiveable behaviour towards you. They had a profound impact in that realm alone. They will also always be a trigger to my receipt of some of the worst news of my life, that we were not to be together. Whenever I hear them now (and it is frequently as I often play your song list) that brutal moment of realisation hits home. My actions of almost fifteen years ago have come home to roost. It was my stupid choice to lose you then. But now there is sadly no choice at all as I know we cannot be.
You Will Always Be My Darling
From Sir With Love
©2013 Darling and Sir