My Songs For Sir

My Dearest Sir,

You wrote to me a while back about sending me those first Three Songs. I listen to them frequently. I responded in kind and sent you some songs as well. I sent each one for specific reasons.

The first song that I sent you was “The Reason” by Hoobastank. I was driving in my car coming home from work when it came on the radio. We had just reconnected a few days prior, and I was still trying to process everything we had talked about. I was feeling a myriad of feelings – hurt, loss, anger, resentment, confusion, vindication (not proud of this one), anxiety, hesitancy, even happiness at finding you again.

I had heard the song before, but this time was different. I had to pull over because the music was haunting and the lyrics were overwhelming me. I felt like you were next to me holding my hand telling me to listen closely to the words. I felt shaky. My heart hurt. I listened and heard. I wept.

The next song I sent you was by The Calling – “Wherever You Will Go.”  These lyrics were just as poignant especially  the lines:

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I’ll stay with you for all of time

It’s amazing how words put to beautiful music can have an effect on me. This song was no exception. This song hurt my heart too.

I sent you “An American Girl” by Bonnie McKee simply because I wanted you to remember with whom you were dealing (haha). I am a hot-blooded American girl, and you damn well know it.

I love the song “My Wish” by Rascal Flatts. I love most music genres which includes a bit of country. I knew I wanted to send you that song, because it’s how I feel. I want the best for you. I wish you all the good things in life. A couple of the lines in the song hit me rather hard though.

And if you’re faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you

To hear you say years later that you made the wrong choice, well that’s just a hard pill to swallow. You gave me no choice, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have always loved you.  I want you to always remember the line “If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,” because more than anything I wish for you to be happy. I always tell you to smile for me.

I remember you told me how this song affected you. I was a bit surprised, although I’m not sure why. I believed you though.

When I first heard the Betty Who song “Somebody Loves You,” I knew I wanted to send it to you, and NOT because she is Australian. I was thrilled you hadn’t heard it yet.

Somebody loves you Sir. Somebody always has and always will. I missed you when you were away. I never really thought we’d speak again. It’s still surreal to me.

Harmoniously yours,

Darling

…………………………………………………………………………………….

My Musical Darling

As is often your want you have chosen an eclectic selection of tunes. Music has a raw beauty that the written word alone often cannot match. As you would send me more music I would add your selections to a playlist on my phone and depending on my mood I would stream my Darling’s mix.

I must confess to not keeping myself entirely current with contemporary music. I was actually only familiar with two of the tunes on your list above. The Australian artist, Betty Who, had entirely slipped under my radar. I enjoyed your choices and the lyrics were of course not lost on me.

The Rascal Flatts number I would have had little chance of discovering. I am not much of a fan when it comes to the country genre, but every now and then a song slips through that I can’t help but like. This quickly became one of those rarities. Again the poignant lyrics hit home, and the lines you highlighted of course resonated strongly with me.

“American Girl” I was not familiar with, but is has an incredible joie de verve and it neatly sums up your spirit in song form. When ever I picture you with that belligerent look on your face, I can see your jaw thrust out and your demeanour shouting at the world “I DARE YOU!.” Well this is my soundtrack to those times. I love it.

The remaining songs are just gut wrenching. I was quite familiar with them both before you sent them. However they had merely been background ephemera, and I’d never payed them close attention. When you sent them I hurt. In a way the circumstances of their arrival and what we were both going through at the time only added to the heartache. It was at some ungodly hour in the morning (something like 3.30am I think), and we were frantically texting; it was getting quite heated and emotional.

You were travelling to see a child off who would not return home for eighteen months. It was just a little over two weeks after we had reconnected, and we were both in the process of trying to come to grips with our contact. We were also catching up on the past fourteen and a half years of one another’s lives. What we had studiously avoided (or at least I had studiously avoided) was any mention of your current circumstances and what our collective future might hold.

I had a spate of wedding ceremonies to perform around this time. I knew I had one on the following day. I desperately needed some sleep, but I had become too agitated by our conversation, even though we were only text messaging. You sent me The Calling’s “Wherever You Will Go.” I remember crying at the meaning of the lyrics. You then sent me the Hoobastank number “The Reason.” I was literally sobbing uncontrollably, taking huge gulps of air between the physical manifestations of my remorse, my outpourings, and my tears.

You told me how they had affected you, then went on to explain why we could not be together. I had no right to expect that we should but all the same I became desolate. I said some stupid and some hurtful things, because I did not deal with the news at all well. These two songs will be forever associated with my own unforgiveable behaviour towards you. They had a profound impact in that realm alone. They will also always be a trigger to my receipt of some of the worst news of my life, that  we were not to be together. Whenever I hear them now (and it is frequently as I often play your song list) that brutal moment of realisation hits home. My actions of almost fifteen years ago have come home to roost. It was my stupid choice to lose you then. But now there is sadly no choice at all as I know we cannot be.

You Will Always Be My Darling

From Sir With Love

©2013 Darling and Sir

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13 comments on “My Songs For Sir

  1. melissaw01 says:

    I have a play list of about 150 songs. Darling- listen to Flying High by Jem.

  2. Dear Sir and Ms.Darling,
    This was the first post from you that made me very sad, i know you would say that this the bitter truth and that you need to live with it. BUt i am terriblysad at reading Sir’s closing lines. I will not accept it even if you door want to.

    • Hi BP

      We both appreciate that you are in our corner. My Darling is an optimist and tells me to have hope. I am realist and will play the hand I am dealt. As is often the case I would very much like my Darling to be correct. She would no doubt take great pleasure in reminding me of the fact.

      I am very much of the school of thought however that we should plan for the worst and hope for the best.

      All the best
      Sir

      • I do not know what to say. I am a miracle seeker myself I guess.

        • BP,
          In the 14 plus years I didn’t have contact with Sir, life happened. Decisions were made, and the consequences of those decisions are in force (consequences aren’t always negative here). There is a sadness element to our story, and that’s very real. We were lost to each other, but now we’re found.
          What won’t change are my feelings for Sir – ever.
          I am still processing the reality of Sir being in my life now. He says it feels “right,” and I agree but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s still very surreal to me. He laughs at that, and I laugh with him.
          I don’t profess to know the future outcomes here. I am a ‘take it one day at a time’ kind of woman.

          I love him, and he knows it. That makes me happy.

          ~ Darling

          • Dear Ms.Darling,

            Thank you for taking time to explain this to me. I understand how mature your relationship is. I really love the fact that you both are still open with your love for each other with no reservations. This is the reason why I admire you both immensely. Yes, I am a ‘take it one day at a time’ person myself. But I sometimes humor thoughts around wonderful things that may never happen. It makes me happy to live those moments in my mind, though at the end of it I understand that I am only fooling myself.

            Coming back to your life story, I do understand that with all those years in between there could have been a million changes in both your lives, some irrevocable. I only wish that you are happy whichever path you choose. But I guess you are way more mature than I and know how to deal with this better.

            Regards,
            BP

          • BP,

            Sir believes that I still have ‘an ocean of hurt beneath the surface,’ and that it will take time for me to deal with it. He is more than likely correct. I don’t recognize stuff like that all the time. I block it out.
            As you know, he freely admits and takes responsibility for the hurt he did to me.
            It’s a very mature person with an even maturer love to be able to stand beside the one you hurt and walk through the healing process with them.
            He is amazing.

            Thank you for your comments.

            ~ D

          • I agree

            Hats off to you Sir and to you Ms.Darling for appreciating him for that.

  3. Ms. Darling!

    You have an awesome taste in music! I am a huge fan of “My Wish” and “American Girl”. I love how you phrased why you chose “American Girl”, it’s perfect! I kind of want to sing that to a few people and remind them who I am too haha 🙂

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