Taint Nick

My Desirable Darling

We have spoken quite candidly about my dalliances with the opposite sex. You took enormous pleasure dissecting it in nauseating detail when you visited these shores. I could never accuse you of the same thing, your behaviour has always been unimpeachable. That being said there have been quite a few men in your life who have fallen for you, fallen for you hard. Some of these men I’d known about and some have been more recent. There is one man in particular (and I so hope that you’re cringing right now, just not too much) who I find both appalling and offensive. That being said without him you may have never found me, so for that I owe him my undying gratitude. His motives were far from pure but regardless his attempts to manipulate the process were for nought and you are I are together once more, even if it is only a cyber together.

So let me begin his character assassination. He is a minor league English DJ who has a great face for radio. You sent me a lovely picture of him in a giant purple onesie, and it haunts me to this day. You know I want to share it just because something that funny should not be kept to oneself.  In the past he has treated you in the most despicable manner and even threatened innocent members of your family. He has done things that have negatively impacted your job. He has tried to manipulate you and lied to you by omission. When you have appeared on his radio show (improving it immeasurably I might add), he has humiliated you and disrespected you all while trying to be a complete control freak and telling untruths about you. This was all done in the interest of making him appear to be superior. In my opinion he is so low he would need a parachute to exit a snakes belly.

He is clearly madly in love with you, and for that I can’t fault him. However, you have made it entirely clear to him that you don’t see him as a prospective suitor, but that has not stopped him from behaving in a petulant, juvenile and puerile manner. The fact that he is married with children (one of whom is a newborn) seems to be irrelevant to him. When you crushed his amorous desires he staged a mini mid life crisis, bleached his hair then posted pictures of himself with his depressed face on hoping to garner some sympathy. Quite frankly he is pathetic. I know you have forgiven him for his past actions. You are however a better person than I.

I know that the children in your charge benefit from your relationship with him. I also know that you enjoy your time on air with him. I don’t feel in the least bit threatened by him. I just hate the way he treats you. I know you have run rings him around and have swatted him like an over zealous mosquito on more than one occasion. That being said when he described you as being “tainted” because of your relationship with me that was when I decided I could tolerate this imbecile no more. I would not give him the steam off my piss on a cold winter’s morning.

I have often said you can’t help who you fall in love with and I suppose the reverse is also true; you can’t help who falls in love with you. But any guy who describes you as tainted is both a clown and a fool. With a name like Nick I can only assume that his father thought of it when he cut himself shaving. I can only conclude by saying that him having a name synonymous with a gash could not have been more apt.

Taintingly Yours

From Sir With Love

———————————————————————————-

My Sweet Piqued Sir,

I just love you. This topic does make me cringe, but since you feel so inclined I will go along with you.

It is true. My British friend encouraged me to find you again to get closure. He pushed and persuaded me for months. I felt so vulnerable. I was scared because I truly thought you’d never want to hear from me again. He knows how I wrestled with the notion of contacting you. Maybe I disclosed too much to him, but it’s a moot point now.

He had his own agenda, of course. He wanted to be the one who found and contacted you; he said it was to protect me. Obviously he was not the one who found you. He was infuriated to hear that not only did I find you myself, but I also got in touch with you and we started communicating.

I was startled to discover his loathing of you. It seemed so silly. I was astonished to learn that it began over 14 years ago. I met him right after you and I ended. He heard firsthand of my hurt and pain. As you know he hasn’t been very kind in his words and attitude towards you. He hated you, because he was jealous. That surprised me. His exact words are, “He gave up what I want.” He’s said more, but it’s not important.

Things ended badly 14 years ago with him, but not because he and I were an item. It was due to his behavior. When I confronted him about it, he exploded and threatened members of my family. That was a huge no-no. You of course know the story. While I’m not proud of what I did in retaliation, it served a purpose. He paid the price for a couple of years. I can be quite ruthless when pressed. I know that comes as a surprise considering how shy and demure I am (haha). I don’t like the hypocrisy in his thinking that it’s okay for me to forgive him but not you. Lame I know.

He and I also had a stretch when we were not in contact with each other. When he first made an effort to get in touch with me again, it was with a very apologetic email asking for forgiveness. When I met him he was on his first marriage. He was on his second marriage at the time he reconnected with me, and now he is on his third; I will not be number four. I naturally forgave him, but we didn’t become friendly for years. We were acquaintances who emailed once or twice a year.

I have my boundaries set. I am not some territory for him to piss around to try and mark or a possession to be owned. He knows not to cross them, or there will be consequences. I honestly think it was more of a silent contest with you. He is in some weird alpha-male competition with you. Odd I know, but that’s how I see it. He has told me that you were his biggest fear – whatever that means. My favorite thing is when he told me that because you and I had been lovers, I am now tainted. Yeah that was endearing. I am proud to be tainted, Sir. Damn proud.

Bewilderingly yours,

Darling

©2014 Darling and Sir

Advertisements

16 comments on “Taint Nick

  1. I dont know why but I want to smile.

  2. Quinn says:

    I did enjoy that clever quip about a “name synonymous with a gash” – and no, not tainted at all.

  3. I am not a native English speaker and I missed the part about the ‘gash’.a
    And now I have learned.
    Thank you sir for introducing me to profanity reserved for use by the British Royals 🙂 Now I understand what makes up English humor.

    • Sir is very posh. HA! He’s going to wake up any minute. Oh, BP! Ask him what he got in the mail.

      ~ Darling

      • What did you get in your mail Dear Sir? Pray tell. I am sure there is going to be another letter on this soon!

        P.s.Ms.darling, did you crochet him something for the new year? As i know you missed the xmas bus.

        • BP

          My Darling did miss the Christmas bus but she made up for it with some wonderful gifts. Altoids (my favourite breath mints and almost impossible to get in this country) some pasta (an inside joke), a book, a cd and a beautiful new white polo shirt. I was thoroughly spoilt.

          Funnily enough though she didn’t crochet me anything though BP, maybe next time?

          Regards
          Sir

  4. Hi BP

    All of the things I listed above came in the mail yesterday. The pasta joke we will explain in a later post.

    Regards
    Sir

  5. cupitonians says:

    I loved that dad shaving part! HILARIOUS!

  6. Thanks Cupi, I was trying to be my insulting best :). Nice to have you back in the land of WordPress.

    Regards
    Sir

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s