My Sartorial Darling
You were very kind to me all those years ago and sent me a package. I of course was thrilled. We hadn’t yet met but I knew it to be more than just a token of your love.
I remember it arriving. I had to wait several days before I could attend the post office to collect it. The collection card sat like a siren on my desk, calling me. I could not yet answer. I had to wait. Have I mentioned I don’t like waiting? This from the guy who has waited 15 years for you to find me again.
Now the package had a number of mementos contained within. You sent me an Eric Cartman shot glass mentioned in an earlier letter. You sent me some Altoids, to feed my ever growing addiction and you sent me a jacket. I have touched on it briefly before, but that jacket tormented me so. I’ll say it again, cringing as I do, it just didn’t fit.
I know you already know this. That being said I feel it is deserving of amelioration. Your motives for sending it were pure. We had spoken at length about my wardrobe and how I wore a suit to work every day. You asked me about my casual attire, and I fear you found it much too conservative for your tastes. I told you I owned a tweed jacket, a blue single breasted sports coat and a blue double breasted blazer. You asked me about more casual jackets to which I sheepishly replied that in that category I owned nada.
You had your mission. A casual coat/jacket was required and you no doubt set out to right this grievous wrong. I envisage that you garnered my measurements through some subterfuge carefully woven into our daily conversation. You then set about finding me said garment. It arrived smothered in love. I tried it on and alas it was a snug fit. Sadly it was also not quite lengthy enough for my somewhat elongated frame. I was vexed.
I left it out on my bed and came back and tried it on again; this time taking the time to examine myself in the mirror. There was no way this was going to work. I put it on a hanger and placed it in my wardrobe. Over the next few days and weeks I tried it on repeatedly, sadly all to no avail. It was not going to fit any better regardless of my repeated attempts to model it.
I finally gave up and lied to you about its suitability. I felt terrible doing it, but I would have felt worse allowing you to think you had expended all your energies and your hard earned money on this endeavour.
I still don’t own a casual jacket, but I have forsworn the blue double breasted blazer. I looked too much like some tin pot Admiral who thought he was Lord of the High Seas. I think it is time I invested in more casual outerwear. You should come over and we’ll go shopping.
From Sir With Love
My Dear Fabricating Sir,
The only thing I remember about the jacket was the color – blue. Oh, that and I went without sustenance for a week in order to purchase it for you. Of course I am kidding, but it made me giggle. I do remember I was excited to send it to you.
I am certain I did not realize how tall or broad shouldered you were when I bought it for you. Plus I think there is a major difference between Australian and American sizes. Looking back the jacket would have been more suitable for a smaller, shorter man; that’s the risk I took in buying clothes for someone I had not yet seen in person.
I laughed at the image of you returning numerous times to try on the jacket in hopes that it had magically expanded in length and width to fit. I am sorry it was a source of exasperation for you.
I do recall asking you about the jacket when I was with you. You hated to confess your crimes of fashion to me. You didn’t want to hurt my feelings. That was sweet. I was devastated that it didn’t fit you though. I learned my lesson; hence the shirt that I sent you for Christmas fit you perfectly.
I believe you told me that you gave it to the Goodwill or someplace like that. I don’t think you knew the art of re-gifting back then.
©2014 Darling and Sir