Episode of a First Time User of an Australian Commode

My Dear Abundant Sir,

I was somewhat in awe of your porcelain throne, my love, and not because you were the king of it. I was obsessed with wanting to know if the water in the toilet went down the drain counterclockwise (opposite from America). You thought it was a riot.

I was shocked to see how little water was in the bowl of your very cavernous toilet. I asked if there was something wrong with your flusher. You roared with laughter. You reassured me that there was nothing wrong with the sewer system in your home, and that I would find out when I needed to use the lavatory. I believe I pushed your body out the door insisting that I needed to use your powder room right then and there.

Whether or not I really needed to use the bathroom has since escaped my memory, but I remember flushing that toilet. All I know is the sound of a torrential downpour akin to a tropical typhoon filled my ears as buckets of water came out of nowhere and circled the inside of the toilet bowl. If I had been sitting down at the time, I have no doubt that the awesome suction power would have sucked me down that drain and deposited me in a billabong in Western Australia. A timid woman would have cowered in the corner while covering her ears with her hands. My stubbornness prevailed however, and I stared danger in its gaping eye.

I have no idea how many times I flushed your commode while watching the display of water supremacy. I think I finally stopped when your laughter, from the other room, broke through my reverie.

With as much power as your flushing system had, I had to wonder if an Australian bidet would be more comparable to an anal enema. It caused a paradigm shift in my life of which I have never seen the likes of before or since.  I have just now, after nearly 15 years, gotten over my astonishment.

Flushingly yours,



My Water Logged Darling

I know it must have been quite a shock for you having to deal with our antipodean plumbing. I had experienced American toilets first hand, so I knew you would be somewhat perplexed. Yes we do things a little difference down here. I know it is hard to believe, but the American way is not the only way.

We have reached a point in the letter where I really feel the need to inject some bathroom humour. Perhaps I could make some jokes along the lines that you were “flushed with success.”  Maybe I could suggest that it is “commodiously yours.”  I could also comment that its all “water down the drain.” Sadly I fear that I may be just “raging against the latrine.” 

So our toilet system provided you endless amusement. It kind of reminds me of the old Bill Cosby routine where his little brother asks where all the water goes when you flush the toilet. To which Bill replies. “It goes all around the city………….would you like to see the city?” Then he has his brother standing in the toilet bowl covered in grease.

As for our bidets, well they are normally maintained by the fire brigade with the jets being powered by three inch pressure hoses.

Tidally Yours

From Sir With Love

©2014 Darling and Sir


13 comments on “Episode of a First Time User of an Australian Commode

  1. Kay says:

    Oh my god, I’ve just had to explain giggling to the whole office….Too funny, though I remember chatting to a friend in Australia about the water going the other way too… That was an interesting skype conversation!

    • Kay! That is awesome.

      I remember asking Sir why there was so little water in the bowl. He jokingly answered because they didn’t like water splashing up on their backsides when they were doing their business. I just didn’t understand until I flushed.

      Oh my goodness I felt my hair move around my ears from the power of that flush.
      I think it sent subliminal messages hence the reason I stood hypnotized continually flushing. I had the oddest notion to flap my arms and bark like a dog.

      No wonder Sir was laughing. He was in on it somehow. I blame Sir.


    • Hi Kay

      Its nice to know we could keep your entire office amused. Darling certainly looked on in wonderment, like a child with a new toy.


  2. Ha ha ha. This is by far the funniest post I have read this month from you folks.

    The notion of the flush, sucking Ms.Darling down the drain, had me in splits. Like something from a cartoon.

    But Ms.Darling, I should say you Americans are very queer to us Commonwealth people too. Why, you folks should just have to do everything differently. From roads, to measures, to even switches. I remember on my first trip to the US, after I checked into the hotel, I stepped into the bathroom and tried to flick the switch. I was surprised to find that it was already in the ON state but still the bulb would not light up. I tried to flick the switch back and forth (and realized much later that even in the ON state, it takes a couple of seconds to light up) and put it back to the ON state, but to my dismay it just would not do what I wanted it to do. In frustration, I switched it OFF and left the bathroom to call the housekeeping and as I turned, the American Gods said ‘let there be light’. I was confused for a bit and only later realized that you Americans just cannot do what the rest of the world does.

    Love you folks :))

  3. Hey Darling and Sir. This comment isn’t regarding this post. I just need your guidance…I sent you an email. I hope to hear from you soon.
    Much love

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