My Heart is Full

To Sir With Love

Overflowing-Heart

 

My heart is full

When I think about you

My heart is full

When I dream about you

My heart is full

When I talk to you

My heart is full

As I love you

And then it is overflowing

 

By Darling ©2014 TSL

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In The Land of Oz

Darling wrote this reminiscing poem a few months before finding and making contact with Sir again. Writing is her way of healing and expressing her innermost feelings. Darling had forgotten, blocked, and disassociated many of her memories and emotions concerning Sir and their time together. With Sir’s help, many have returned.

—————————————-

We met in beautiful Sydney
And you showed me around
We rented a car and drove for miles
Through villages and towns

We hiked and stayed in Jenolan
Strolled through Taronga Zoo
Held hands around the Opera House
Ate at Sydney Tower for the view

We met the Major of Cessnock
Tasted the Hunter Valley wines
Visited your parents in Newcastle
Stopped in Blackheath and dined

We bought trinkets at The Rocks
Ordered oysters at Watson’s Bay
Had drinks at the Marble Bar
Then danced the night away

Saw Barry Humphries at the theatre
Went to The Bourbon and Beefsteak too
Laughed and cried in Darling Harbour
Where I fell harder for you

You tried to teach me Snooker
Played the piano and sang for me
I had a go at rhyming slang
And fed a Koala bear eucalyptus leaves

Snapped my picture with The Three Sisters
Enjoyed the Blue Mountains air
Was startled by a Kookaburra
We shared a love that was quite rare

The memories are many
Branded in my heart
This was a new beginning
A new life – a fresh start

I was your first proposal
But life has no guarantees
Sadly the goodbye was final
And we were never meant to be

By Darling ©2014 TSL

In The Blink of an Eye

Dear Sir,

You’ve told me numerous times one of the reasons you ditched me was because you no longer believed in us. In my head, I think proximity was a big part of your thinking. I was across the ocean. She was there. You could have sex with her; so you did. Then once you made your bed, you decided to lie in it completely. End of story.

What I have trouble with is when you’ve told me that you tried to make her into me. You talked to her like she was me, which obviously didn’t go well at all. How could it? You’ve said to me, “She wasn’t you Darling.” To which I want to respond, “And your first clue was?” She wasn’t and isn’t me. She sounds like my polar opposite, which just dumbfounds me that you ended up married to her. At the risk of sounding conceited, I cannot be replaced – ever. She never could have been me, and it galls me that you even tried.

One thing that hurts a lot is that you married her in “our” place. I remember your message telling me that little factoid. I guess telling me over the phone was too hard; plus we were just beginning to talk again. This actually isn’t a criticism. It’s just how it played out.

I am not even sure how to report to you about how I’m handling all this news to date. In the beginning it was information overload and it made my head spin: you married “her,” you were unhappy, your marriage was a farce, she was an alcoholic, she loved being wealthy and spending your money, she disliked your parents, she was unfaithful, her family was/is crazy, you knew on your wedding day that you married the wrong woman, you regretted letting me go, I was “the one who got away.”

That last one made me raise my eyebrow. I didn’t “get away.” You pushed me away, and that still hurts. It hurts us both. I should be happy to hear this after all these years, but I don’t feel happy about it all. I want to say, “Well you got what you deserved,” but did I? Did I deserve it too? I believed you. I missed out on having you in my life even as a friend. I missed your larger-than-life personality. I missed you. And that sucks.

I never realized how fast fourteen and a half years could go by.

Forlornly yours,

Darling

………………………………………………………………………………………..

My Dear Sad Darling

I was not sure that there was an “us” anymore my sweet. The space that “we” occupied had become empty. That is not an excuse just an observation. I could have easily found out, I just didn’t.

Proximity may have played a part, but I think availability was the critical factor. I can honestly say that I did not pursue, woo or in any way try to attract “her.”  She quite literally threw herself at me.

I was devastated by what I had done. I was no longer worthy of you or your love. Yes I tried to turn her into you. There was not a chance that would happen. She was not you. I was just lying to myself and trying to distract myself from the reality of my awful deed. You could never be replaced. I knew that. I knew there would never be another you, so I didn’t really care who I was with. They would always run a very poor second.

Having said all that, after it all went pear shaped my desire for affection, to feel love, to give love, to share love, became almost ghost like. You have made much of my many previous partners, my tally has barely been added to. This has occurred for a variety of reasons, not least however by the fact that I barely tried to engage.

Yes I threw away 14 plus years of us, both as friends and lovers. I can’t give those back to either of us, despite it being my most fervent wish. I want to cry out that we should make the most of now and the future. You however are not a point to embrace that for reasons that are self evident. If and when you are, I will be here. I like to think that I learn from my mistakes.

Devotedly Yours

From Sir With Love

©2013 Darling and Sir

I Believed You

Poem referenced in the letter “In The Blink of an Eye.”

There wasn’t a white horse
But you brought a glass shoe
Fluffy clouds, stars, and dreams
And I believed you

Didn’t need shining armor
Fairy dust – a pinch or two
High-priced colored glasses
And I believed you

The sun and moon were aligned
You played a love song
I thought I could believe you
I found out I was wrong

By Darling ©2013 TSL

Uncovered

Darling’s poem she wrote for Sir not long after leaving Australia.

.

Deep inside my heart is a place that I thought was lost

I hid it, because it was more than I wanted to bear

I didn’t understand the price I paid, nor did I count the cost

I thought I was alone; no one to share

I didn’t realize the vital, missing piece

Was a part of me that couldn’t be duplicated or replaced

Neglecting myself was leaving me damaged and incomplete

A small but significant void – an an empty space

A hand reached out and helped me off the ground

I stood once again and wondered how you knew

Uncovered – that hidden place was found

You gave me back myself –  from somewhere inside of you

.

By Darling ©2013 TSL

Dare I Hope

Hello My Darling

One of your many gifts is your poetry. My heart swelled with pride when, after fourteen and a half years, I got to hear about the awards you had won and the journals that had published your work. I am many things but one thing I am not is a poet. I lack your skill for succinct brevity. I therefore really don’t know why I decided to jump right in to the depths of these waters, familiar to you but treacherous to me. I don’t write poetry. The last time I even attempted it would have been in high school. I have contributed to the lyrics of a number of songs but they were nothing more than a series of rhyming couplets.

When you restabilised contact I penned you these verses. It was probably triggered by my reading of your own excellent work. No doubt there was a level of conceit thinking that I could mimic your efforts. I am a little frightened to even put this out there as I feel it unworthy by comparison. But here it is. The piece I wrote for you. I can see its weaknesses, its inconsistencies and its structural flaws. Please forgive me all of those things. I hope you can see the heartache and the love.

You Will Always Be My Darling

From Sir With Love

.

It was a bright, autumnal Utah day

A girl, a woman, a lady

Walked into a room

Into my life

Her spirit, indomitable

Her self confidence, unbreakable

Her wit, unassailable

.

But beneath her carefully coiffed façade

For those who cared to look, dared to look

She was hurting, grief struck, broken……..almost

Her outer shell was but flaking lacquer

Brittle, turning at the edges

In the harsh Utahan sun

.

I turned my head and offered up a gentle smile

Then closed my hand on hers,

Why? Just because

She looked up somewhat startled

She thought to raise her ire

Quick as a flash she changed her mind

A smile, then on with the show

.

Her hand, well I can feel it still

It radiated warmth

But through it I could sense her grief

Her incomprehension, her loss

I knew no salve to heal such ill

So I offered up my ear and listened

Then talked, and listened more

.

The days turned to weeks

The weeks into a year

The room could not contain us

No telephone line long enough

Two cities were but inconvenient

Two states, a mere annoyance

Then two continents, one big ocean

Almost enough, but hardly

She sang, she soared she radiated goodness, beauty, light

I basked in her glory, her adoration, her splendour

.

I could not get enough

We bonded on all levels

First comedically, then intellectually

Emotionally, even spiritually

Then at last

And with passion not known before or since

Physically

.

She was healed now

Not better, certainly stronger, and just a little different.

She had the strength to make some plans

She held my antipodean hand and told me she was mine

I cried with joy

I sang and shouted

Oblivious of the pain to come

The pain that I would cause

.

Then…….the room was empty

The telephone line was silent

An artificial construct came between us

I thrashed, I wailed, I fought with all my might

I thought I could control it

How wrong was I?

I took a wrecking ball and across the ocean I did hurl it

She never saw it coming

I broke the thing I loved the most……almost

.

I brought the circus with a side show to my town

I the ringmaster in my own demise

The clowns did not distract me

But the witches cast a wicked spell

I succumbed to weakness, vile and petty

Deluded, ignorant, shrill

While an ocean away

The creature that I adored most

I loved her as I have loved no other

I still do

Lay battered, bleeding, bruised

Broken…..almost

.

For fourteen years I walked the wilderness

Taking comfort where I could

False prophets everywhere

They took my goods and chattels

The last vestige of my dignity, my self belief, gone

The sign posts were forlorn reminders

Flagging careless actions of a wasted life

Sadness, loss, remorse, regret

They led the way

They were my dim, dull, dark light

.

Then a hand reached out

She thought jaded, I thought pure

She turned her head and gave a gentle smile

And covered mine with hers

I was startled, manic, frightened

She calmed my nerves, dispelled my fears

Gave me a love I did not deserve

.

I had hurt her, it was clear to see

But her pure heart, still sought to heal me

Her great tormentor lay distraught

A shell, a shadow, an echo of his former self

I looked at her with fear and amazement

“How could I have let such a thing of beauty ever leave my sight?

How could I have been so blind to what I had?

How could I have hurt this precious creature?”

Who even after all the heartbreak and the pain

Could find it in her heart to love me still

Want to heal me

Make me whole again

.

Well I am hers now

But….will she ever be mine?

A man, flawed but always there

A man who waited

A man that I was better than, or so I thought

Had held her hand, then carried her on his shoulders

As she traversed the desolation

That had been my parting gift to her

.

Today we travel on a new road

An unchartered path

I try to explain

Then she heals me just a little more

And I hope in my small way

I heal her a little too

I am brave enough to look once more

Into her deep brown eyes

I search to find the hatred, revenge, disgust that must be there

Sure I see the hurt, but there is forgiveness

Even love

Will I ever see her trust again?

Will my betrayal ever be washed away?

It’s more than I deserve, but still……..

.

For fourteen years I carried a flame

Naked and pure for a woman I so wantonly destroyed

Will there be forgiveness? Yes

Reconciliation? Yes

Happiness, Laughter, Joy?

Yes, yes, yes

Will there even be love?

It amazes me still but I think the answer to be ……. yes

.

But…….Will I ever see her smile at me again?

Will I ever hold her hand again?

Or even better hold her in my loving arms

Will she lie beside me as I sleep?

Cover me when I am cold

Care for me when I am ill

.

Will I ever get to gaze upon her beautiful eyes once more?

Will she get to hear me whisper “I love you” in her ear?

I fear not, my time has passed

That pain it is now friend

I of course know that truth

It is both just and fair

.

But I wouldn’t be a man at all

If when it’s dark, when it’s cold and when I’m lonely

When I hear the siren song of the demons in my head

When they call to me

Calling out my long list of ills

The list that is my very torment

How could I not?

Why should I not?

Have one last deluded dream

That one day, one day

She will once more say she will be mine

Dare I hope………………………?

.

By Sir © 2013 TSL