Agnes Loves Bubba

In another letter here, Sir called his Darling – Agnes. This is Darling’s response to being called that name. For a translation of Darling’s letter see below.

Mah Bubba Sir,

Ah jest luv yo’. Yo’ make me laugh.

How is it gwine at wawk? Has thin’s settled down?
Ah knows yo’ luv me. Ah knows yo’ wo’ry. Ah luv thet about yo’.
Yer a stellar man, as enny fool kin plainly see. Ah reckon yer th’ cat’s meow.

How is yer banjo playin’ a-comin’ along? Has yer han’ recovahed on account o’ yo’ had yer sixth finger removed?

Ah w’d nevah call yer bluff, mah luv. Yo’ ‘dn’t haf ennythin’ t’bellyache about eff’n ah did thet.
Ah sure reckon yer neat.

Allus yer gal,
Darlin’ Agnes
p.s. Yo’ knows ah luv it when yo’ call me Agnes, but eff’n yer a-gonna corntinue’d yo’ mind callin’ me Aggie instead?

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My Redneck Darling

I am somewhat gob smacked by this letter! I called you Agnes because I was alluding to an agony aunt and here we are going all Cajun and creole on each other.  Life is sometimes very strange.

I must confess I had no idea what you said to me in this letter. I was just too perplexed by the phonetic spelling and the abbreviation of words. I have never felt the urge to put correction fluid on a screen as much as I did upon reading this.

So let me say the simple stuff. I worry about you and your condition and know that without much prodding you would not deal with it in a timely manner. I will remain resolute in dealing with it despite your feigned ignorance, denials, evasions and other attempts to deflect the matter.

I love you very much and want nothing more than to see you fit and well. As for having nothing to bellyache about then I suggest you are selling yourself way too short. I have no doubt you will find something to vex me with.

I love you with all my heart even with a southern drawl, some quite frankly appalling spelling along with those grammatical errors that would quite frankly make a school teacher weep.

I hope y’all have a great day now.

Bubba Sir

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My Bubba Sir,

I just love you. You make me laugh.

How is it going at work? Have things settled down? I know you love me. I know you worry. I love that about you. You’re a stellar man, and it’s obvious. I think you’re the cat’s meow.

How is your banjo playing coming along? Has your hand recovered from having your sixth finger removed?

I would never call your bluff, love. You wouldn’t have anything to bellyache about if I did that. I just think you’re neat.

Always your gal,

Darling Agnes

p.s. You know I love it when you call me Agnes, but if you’re going to continue would you mind calling me Aggie instead?

©2014 Darling and Sir

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Cupitonians

To Darling and Sir,

It fills me with awe sometimes to watch your experiences come alive on screen. You are both incredible writers, but more than that, all of your heart and soul are in these little tiny black characters and I believe that it takes a whole lot of strength to let yourselves be vulnerable like that. It’s part of why I have followed you and read every single one of your posts – these words are the strings that are attached to two very real people in a world where everything is virtual. Your blog is filled with feelings and emotions and so much love, it’s hard not to imagine it as a living breathing thing.

Being a blogger myself and also someone in a long distance relationship, I have a couple of questions, some more serious than the others. How do you communicate, now that these “emails” are public? Do you talk on the phone, do you Skype, do you text a lot? What is your preferred mode of communication? Have you managed to see each other yet? If you have, how was that experience after all those years of not being in each other’s lives actively?

Do you consider yourselves to be in a full-fledged relationship – I know your hearts are forever entwined, but I mean more than that. Do you see other people or have you decided that this is it for now?

On a lighter note, how in the world do you understand Sir now that he’s well and away with the pixies? Do you have to crack a tinnie every time he’s romancing you with the weird language they speak in Oz land? Sir, what are some of the “cultural” differences you’ve faced? Do you make a lot of Duck Dynasty jokes?

I think I might have gone overboard, not giving room to the other lucky people who have been chosen for this privilege so I will cease and desist. Just know that I’m invested in the both you for good!

Big hugs,

C.

Cupitonian’s Site

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Hey Cupi

Let me start by saying great letter and thanks for playing.

You have shared some extremely kind words when it comes to our ability to write. I humbly thank you for that. It must be said however that your own eloquence is exquisite, so I am in a little awe to be described as such.

As for your communication questions, let me be frank. We try to speak on the phone twice a day, once early in Darling’s morning (but late in my night) and again late in Darling’s evening (but late afternoon for me). We do Skype a little but not a lot. We use Tango as the free call phone app, but we have also used Viber and Kakao. We message each other constantly throughout our days and our normal platform is WhatsApp, but when we are both in front of a pc we use HipChat. I quite like it as it lets you send photos, music and documents and you can seamlessly transition from phone to tablet to pc and even use all three at once should you so desire.

Sadly we have not managed to see one another yet again. Darling has an extremely busy life, so I don’t really think it’s an option for her right now. As for your relationship question the answer from me is “yes I do!”

I don’t find the cultural differences of which you speak too much of a bother. I know, just as it may have done for you, that American culture permeates my life. I watch American TV shows, I buy tickets to see American films and I eat in American fast food outlets so it is rare that a phrase or an action catches me unaware. There are things about America that I find somewhat disturbing. The social injustices that seem to be accepted and prevalent, the use of religion to justify quite cruel and unnecessary distress, the blatant hypocrisy of the political class, the culture of American exceptionalism along with the failure of the populace to recognise that they have lost much of what once made them uniquely American. That being said it is a country that I truly love. Winston Churchill I think summed it up best when he said:

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else..

I would use none of these things however to describe my Darling. They are broader observations and are essentially at the point of being meaningless generalisations which any competent person could easily pick apart.

Anyway Cupi, thanks for taking the time to write. I hope I have answered your questions to your satisfaction. Let’s hope we can have the ending I think we all are hoping for.

Warmest Regards

Sir

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Hi Cupi,

Thanks so much for your letter. Your beautiful thoughts touched me. While I feel Sir’s love for me through his letters, I think it’s great that you can also feel the depth of his emotions. He is an eloquent writer. What’s really poignant for me is when I read Sir’s letters I “hear” him – his voice. When he makes a joke, I laugh.

Sir and I are truly two very real people (to use your phrase). He has stated in a previous letter that when we lost contact he felt he had lost his best friend. I felt much the same way. I hesitated making our letters public because I was so protective of how I felt, but I was not and am not ashamed of my feelings for him. He is an easy person to love even when he’s being a pompous arse (ask him about THAT one).

If a lot of time passes without having contact with Sir in some small way, I feel anxious. He has said that it makes him “panicky.” I think it stems from being out of contact for so long. Sir mentioned in his response the apps we use to keep in contact. We will be writing a letter soon about the first time we “saw” each other again via live video feed. Sadly, it hasn’t been in person. I cannot answer when that will happen.

My relationship with Sir is totally real. He is a part of my life. It feels nice. It seems natural. In the short time that we’ve reconnected, he has been a listening ear, a support, a friend, and mentor. He has shown me unconditional love. He’s the whole package. I love him.

I am not sure how to answer your question, “Have you decided this is it for now?”  As I stated in my response to Cate’s letter, I DO feel that there is a reason that Sir is in my life now. I do not know that reason, but I feel there is a time and place for everything. Rushing into things never worked for me, so I am quite comfortable, for now, to take these as they come.

As for understanding Sir, well I can’t claim that I ever really understand him, but I grin, nod a lot, and say “uh huh.” I am not sure he’s fooled though. Nothing gets passed that confounded man. Culture differences have never been an issue with me.

Sincerely,

Darling

Sir-ology

My Dear Expert Sir,

We spoke on the phone today, and you got on your soap box for a few moments. You were relentless in making sure I was doing things I needed to do i.e. healthy diet, exercise, get enough sleep, etc.

Now before you scoff, your questioning was very endearing and showed me that you truly cared. Now me being me, I made a smart ass comeback about you being a Sir-ologist in the art of Sir-ology. You laughed and remarked that you liked that title and subject area. You are a connoisseur in all things Sir-ness.

Now my Sir, if truth be known I am quite a proficient when it comes to the knowledge of you. I know you quite well love, and perhaps even a little bit better than you know yourself. So welcome to Darling-ville. Put your feet up, relax, and stay a while. I shall make you that cup of tea I do so well.

I love you very much.

Adoringly yours,

Dr. Darling

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Dear Agnes (We both know its not your name but if you insist on me writing this type of letter I could not think of a better bon mot)

I am somewhat surprised that you chose to mention your frustratingly obvious failings when it comes to looking after your own well being. It vexes me to no end when I hear you put yourself last and the repeated times it has happened. I will willingly ascend the soapbox yet again, and do so now to ensure you pay heed to my concerns and start looking after yourself.

We now know, after extensive testing of your allergies, the adverse impact some of the products you consume have had on your life. We now know that you need to transition these things out of your life as it’s the best possible treatment for your condition. But what do you do? Let me ask again. WHAT DO YOU DO? You tell me that you are too busy to deal with it right now and that you will put other life events before your own. Yet again.

Let me say here in a manner that brokers no confusion. I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT. If you think I am not a man of action I dare you to test me on this. My passport is ready and my wallet is willing. If you won’t allow me to look after you from here (you know I have told you to send me the literature I will read it and have shipped to you the things you need to start using). Then I will jump on a plane and do it in person. I even urge you to call my bluff because as you know my love I just don’t blink.

That being said I am more than happy to settle in Darlingville. I would love to try its tea shrine and sample its wares. As for putting up my feet and relaxing, well that will happen when you start looking after yourself instead of just talking about it.

Allergically Yours

Professor Sir With Love

©2014 Darling and Sir

Prune the Grapevine

My Dear Sir,

A friend of yours recently asked you if our ardor has waned due to our busy schedules. You informed me that you assured him that this wasn’t the case. I had to laugh. If nearly 15 years hasn’t diminished our love and affection for each other than busy works days aren’t even an issue.

I’ve told you once, and I will tell you again. I plan on being in your life forever. The only way I will cease to be a part of it is if you tell me to go away. That would break my heart, but I would honor your wish.

I love you Sir. I find my life to be better with you in it. I feel more complete.

Love forever,

Darling

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My Darling

I had hidden you away from not only the world but from the bright and shiny places in my mind. Never again.

You are front and centre in my life. Get used to it. It’s where you’re going to stay!

Busy schedule be damned. We will prevail.

And you can forget this talking about me telling you to go away. It’s not going to happen.

You found me again my Darling. You will not be rid of me so easily.

Clingingly Yours

From Sir With Love

©2014  Darling and Sir

Cate B

Dear Darling and Sir,

First of all, I hope you are both well. I want you to know that I enjoy reading your letters and am feeling quite privileged to be a part of your relationship. Thank you for sharing.

But I do have one question. When will you two get together permanently? It troubles my imaginative mind that your romantic relationship, with all the normal ups and downs that all couples go through, is separated by such a vast distance geographically.

This is not good. I realize the logistics can be challenging. Who will give up family and culture and jobs to make the big plunge? It troubles me. Have I become too involved? I am for you both. I am for the Darling and Sir to become a family in every sense of the word (Sirling or Darsir). Is it too soon to answer this for me? Must I wait for all the letters to be posted?

I have now asked five questions.I wait with anticipation to know the outcome of The Sir Letters.

Patiently (sort of) yours,

Cate B
(Lets have Another Piece of Pie)

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Dear Cate

Before I even begin to answer your question I must first say thank you for taking the plunge and joining us in this little diversion for The Sir Letters. It’s truly great that some of our regular commenters are now becoming guest correspondents.

That is the big question that you ask Cate. When will Darling and I get together permanently? Life has gotten in the way, and we don’t know at this point. 

But let’s speculate and assume that it were to happen. In terms of who would give up what? Well I would. At the risk of making this story any sadder than it needs to be, I have no parents, no siblings, no spouse and no children. The only commitments I have are friends and a job, breaking those ties would be relatively easy.

You most certainly have not become too involved. You are an active part of our little community and you are not the first to ask such a question, similar references are scattered throughout our comments. I am fatalist while Darling is an optimist. I believe I already know the answer though, if truth be told, our story quite literally is still unfolding. This story will come to an end, certainly the blog part of it. Our final letter may still be quite unsatisfying though, because we may not have an answer (either way) but the story of our love will be told and all that may be left is an empty hole, with our lost time together our testimony.

As for giving the two us one name (Brangelina anyone?) I am somewhat horrified and quietly flattered all in the same breath. I fear your anticipation may remain however, but thank you Cate for taking the time to write.

With Warmest Regards

Sir

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Hi Cate,

I agree with Sir in that you asked the difficult question.

Sir is correct in saying that I am an optimist. I do not believe that we found each other again by chance. I trust that most everything happens in life for a reason, but I don’t have answers yet.

I wasn’t even fully aware of what my feelings for Sir were when I first contacted him. I knew I cared. I knew I hurt. I knew that my genuine concern for his welfare overpowered my hurt. I know that he has dealt with the knowledge and feelings better than I have. Although I don’t voice it as often as I used to (to Sir), but this whole thing is still a head trip for me. I truly never thought I’d ever have contact with him again.

I’ll be honest here Cate, I deleted some of Sir’s response to you, because reading it physically hurt me.

And while I find Sir’s gallantry endearing in saying he’ll give up his world to come to me, that would most certainly not be set in stone. I prefer to think we’d be a dual-country couple.

What I can say with assuredness is that I love Sir, and my life is richer and fuller with him in it. I see Sir the way I have always seen him, and he is just beginning to understand that.

A big heartfelt thanks to you Cate for being our first correspondence. It is an honor to know you.

My best,

Darling

Knock Knock

My Dearest Amusing Sir,

I still remember your first joke to me. Well I thought it was a pick-up line, but we’ll call it a joke here.

Sir: You look like you have a little Aussie in you.

Darling: Umm no.

Sir: Well do you want some?

Then you laughed hysterically while I heard in my head “Ba-da-bing.”

Shockingly yours,

Darling

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My Bemused Darling

I cringe to see those words on the page, they appear so coarse. I can’t however deny them as the first time I visited your country (and long before I knew you) I used them to great affect.

I do have a penchant for shocking, I take a sly pleasure in moving people out of their comfort zone and watching them react.

I like to hide any pretense of refinement and learning and see what level of bigotry and poor behaviour is on offer.

I am sure I just said it to shock you.

My work here is done.

You Will Always be My Darling

From Sir With Love

©2014 Darling and Sir

The Unromantic Death of a Frog

 To Hear Sir Read This Post Please Click The Greeting

My City Slicking Darling

I have mentioned before and we have discussed at length your encounters with our native fauna. You have fed wallabies, frightened innocent little blue tongue lizards, and been petrified of spiders. Wait a minute. Did I just say petrified? Because the next animal of which I speak was exactly that.

We stayed at a little Bed & Breakfast in the Hunter Valley called “Hilltop Lodge.” I was recently nearby and saw signs entreating me to stay, so I can only assume it still operates. It was a nice home with a nice view. We checked in late in the afternoon, and when we had our room to ourselves you retired to the en suite. Upon entering our bathroom you shrieked and came running out. My immediate fear was that a snake had come up through the plumbing, something that occasionally happens here.

You were virtually speechless. I’m not sure I had seen you like this before. Eventually you alerted me to the beast within, and I steeled myself for the encounter to come. I entered with a little fear and trepidation to find a dead, dehydrated, petrified, it-ain’t-ever-going-to-breathe-again frog. I was about to deal with it, when you pulled me away. Your face was filled with worry and concern. I summoned the owners and they apologetically removed the offending carcass.

As a fitting coda you were attacked yet again. The sun had been down for many hours, and we were heading out to dine. We made for the car, but before we could embark a very much alive frog leapt out in front of you. He had back up. His mate was watching nearby. You shrieked and clung to me for protection. I laughed as sympathetically as I could manage. They were only seeking the sanctuary of the nearby pond my love. I don’t remember where we dined, but I remember your angst at having to cross the threshold that was the frogosphere before we could sleep. Suffice it to say we made it across safely and lived to tell another tale.

I will save you my Darling

Amphibiously Yours

From Sir With Love

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To Hear Darling Read This Post Please Click The Greeting

    My Dearest Sir

I went in to take a shower, and all I saw was some dark thing in the bathroom with me. I didn’t stick around to see what it was. Your smirk is etched in my memory. I added heaps of amusement for you during our adventures. I was happy to oblige. I do feel awful how terrible the owners felt though.

If I hadn’t been with you nearly every waking hour, I would have suspected you of planting that dead frog just for the chance to be my hero again. You had already reached hero status with me, love.

I had forgotten about the live froggy assault outside. I’m beginning to wonder if there was some sort of cold-blooded, vertebrate conspiracy going on, and they were out for justice for their fallen comrade. The frog certainly died in the most unromantic way, and those neon-green buggers knew it. They blamed me. They knew I had dined on frog legs in the past – numerous times. They were figuring out a way to creep into our room at night, to pounce on my face, and stuff their webbed hands up my nose.

I knew it would be dark when we returned to the Bed & Breakfast, and the frog brigade would be lying in wait for me. You would have just laughed yourself to death, and where would that have left me? With a lifeless Australian and a lane full of dead amphibians after I beat them all senseless protecting myself because my “hero” died in the throes of a laughing spree. That just wouldn’t have been ideal.

I laughed when I saw the pictures of the Bed & Breakfast and the room we stayed in. I had forgotten how the towels on the foot of the bed looked like giant nipple pasties. The room has changed very little from the link you supplied; I guess we stayed in the Deluxe Room.

The owners were sweet, and they fixed us an awesome breakfast the next morning, so deceased animal carcasses and burlesque bed lingerie just added an element of excitement to the otherwise quaint atmosphere.

And if memory serves, you asked me to assume the frog position a time or two for a game of leap frog. Yeah that’s right – leap frog. Ribbit.

Croakingly yours,

Darling

©2014 Darling and Sir

I Hold a Candle For You Too

My Dear Sir,

For our 100^th letter, I want to share another song that you play. I love knowing that you’re playing it. I love that it’s your beautiful hands working their magic over the keys.

Thank you for sharing yourself with me. I know you. I see you. I love you.

Love always,

Darling

 Sir Playing Elton John’s Candle In The Wind

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Hello My Darling

I love that you love me. I also love that you love that I play the piano.

Happy 100th. This was all your idea and so the credit must go to you.

I love you my precious Darling

From Sir With Love

Two Lovers On a Day of Amore

My Sweet Romantic Sir,

I love them. Thank you so much. You know my style; you know me.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Sir. I love you.

Always yours,

Darling

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My Dear Darling

I very much love you and the pleasure is all mine.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you too.

Thinking of you from 12,000 kilometres away.

You Will Always Be My Darling

From Sir With Love

©2014 Darling and Sir

Episode of a First Time User of an Australian Commode

My Dear Abundant Sir,

I was somewhat in awe of your porcelain throne, my love, and not because you were the king of it. I was obsessed with wanting to know if the water in the toilet went down the drain counterclockwise (opposite from America). You thought it was a riot.

I was shocked to see how little water was in the bowl of your very cavernous toilet. I asked if there was something wrong with your flusher. You roared with laughter. You reassured me that there was nothing wrong with the sewer system in your home, and that I would find out when I needed to use the lavatory. I believe I pushed your body out the door insisting that I needed to use your powder room right then and there.

Whether or not I really needed to use the bathroom has since escaped my memory, but I remember flushing that toilet. All I know is the sound of a torrential downpour akin to a tropical typhoon filled my ears as buckets of water came out of nowhere and circled the inside of the toilet bowl. If I had been sitting down at the time, I have no doubt that the awesome suction power would have sucked me down that drain and deposited me in a billabong in Western Australia. A timid woman would have cowered in the corner while covering her ears with her hands. My stubbornness prevailed however, and I stared danger in its gaping eye.

I have no idea how many times I flushed your commode while watching the display of water supremacy. I think I finally stopped when your laughter, from the other room, broke through my reverie.

With as much power as your flushing system had, I had to wonder if an Australian bidet would be more comparable to an anal enema. It caused a paradigm shift in my life of which I have never seen the likes of before or since.  I have just now, after nearly 15 years, gotten over my astonishment.

Flushingly yours,

Darling

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My Water Logged Darling

I know it must have been quite a shock for you having to deal with our antipodean plumbing. I had experienced American toilets first hand, so I knew you would be somewhat perplexed. Yes we do things a little difference down here. I know it is hard to believe, but the American way is not the only way.

We have reached a point in the letter where I really feel the need to inject some bathroom humour. Perhaps I could make some jokes along the lines that you were “flushed with success.”  Maybe I could suggest that it is “commodiously yours.”  I could also comment that its all “water down the drain.” Sadly I fear that I may be just “raging against the latrine.” 

So our toilet system provided you endless amusement. It kind of reminds me of the old Bill Cosby routine where his little brother asks where all the water goes when you flush the toilet. To which Bill replies. “It goes all around the city………….would you like to see the city?” Then he has his brother standing in the toilet bowl covered in grease.

As for our bidets, well they are normally maintained by the fire brigade with the jets being powered by three inch pressure hoses.

Tidally Yours

From Sir With Love

©2014 Darling and Sir