Through My Eyes

My Sweet Sir,

I know I have regurgitated some painful, ugly feelings lately. Many of those feelings surfaced due to new information I received. I am sorry for faltering. Thank you for riding this crazy roller coaster with me and for holding my hand. I know this journey will take time. It tries my patience with myself.

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes if even for a brief moment. You’d see the man I fell in love with 16 years ago. You’d see a man of strength, character, and charisma. And if by some small miracle you could visualize yourself through my eyes, I’d want you to feel the love and emotions that accompany my view. If you could experience my feelings, I think they’d leave you gasping on the floor with their intensity. They would overwhelm you and then you’d truly know and all doubt would be cast aside.

While I cannot pretend or deny away any of your painful actions, I can see past them to the man I once knew. I can feel your heart and soul. I can feel your joys and pains. I can even feel your smiles. When you laugh, the world is drawn in and laughs with you.  And, my oh my, your voice leaves me weak. I remember the gentleness and surety of your touch – the warmth, the passion, the love. My goodness your charm leaves me breathless.

You were and have always been such a magnetic presence. People have constantly looked to you for leadership and answers. You are a force to be reckoned with, and I am in awe.

I am not telling you these things to pamper any vanities or false pride you may have. On the contrary, I am merely expressing my opinions based on facts. You are my Sir – a gentleman of conviction and integrity.  You are a man who makes mistakes, yes, but one who accepts responsibility and doesn’t deviate or pass judgments.

I adore you. I love you.

Hopelessly devoted,

Darling

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My Dearest Darling

Your words are, as always, exquisite. You see something in me that I will grant you maybe was there 16 years ago. I am not sure it is still the case today; it saddens me to say it. With you in my life I was the best that I could be. After my hideous actions I made a string of questionable decisions (actually that’s just being polite, they were atrocious decisions). Sure I could be that guy again. I could be him for the same reasons as I was him 16 years ago. You would be by my side. I don’t doubt your feelings my love, I just wonder if you are in love with a guy who doesn’t exist anymore. I feel manifestly unworthy.

If I were to have a vanity it would be my voice. You know that I have used it professionally over the years but the fact that you derive some pleasure from it makes me incredibly happy. I remember caressing you with my hands, and I long to do so again. My hands still reach out to hold you now. I ache to run my fingers along the length of your legs, to cradle your face in my hands as we kiss, to wrap my arms around you as our passion ignites.

You say that you are in awe of me. I am humbled. It is I that is in awe of you. I know what I did to you. I know how I hurt you. I have carried a flame for you, thinking I would never hear from you again. Then after fourteen and a half years my phone lights up with a message from you. I reread an email I sent you 10 hours later. It was clear even then that I was so in love with you. I could see I was trying to hold it back; I was quite literally in shock. But my love for you just gushed out all the same.

My fear is that I must seem somewhat pathetic, a broken man holding out his hand for help and attention. Once you had truly identified yourself, my heart was in the pit of my stomach. I was transported back through time and all the pain and anguish that I felt came flooding back. Not a shadow, not an echo, not a glimmer. I was there. My terrible deed was done, blood was on my hands and evil was in my heart. I was overwhelmed with the guilt and remorse I had suppressed and ignored for so very long. That I had so callously discarded the thing in my life that was most precious to me, you, made me shake my head in utter disbelief at my own arrogance and stupidity.

I love you my darling, unashamedly, unabashedly and unequivocally. You are back in my life and while I feel totally unworthy, I am still hungry for you. I am selfish and deluded. I will take any morsel I can get and still beg for more. Yes I have accepted responsibility for what I have done, but I have not forgiven myself. There is only one way that I think I ever will. That however is too much to hope for.

 

You Will Always Be My Darling

From Sir With Love

©2013 Darling and Sir

The Virtual Beginning

Dear Sir,

I noticed you right away. You stood out among the crowd. In a world of black and white, your charisma and charm shone through. While most didn’t ‘get me’ you did; consequently, you did from the very onset. Nonverbal communication was no barrier in our minds. You would fire off a remark at me, and I’d fire one back even more caustic; I loved it. Sparring became our thing. We understood each other and my world became very small where you were at the center. I would get a thrill when I knew you were there. I still do.

We exchanged pictures. My eyes drank you in. There you were – a person of flesh and blood captured in 2-D. A man. Real. You seemed surprised that I liked what I saw, although for the life of me I don’t know why. Dare I say I saw a glimmer of hesitancy in your persona? I loved you for that small vein of uncertainty in an otherwise confident human being. It was endearing.

We took our long conversations to a private world where we bothered no one and just enjoyed each others’ humor, intelligence, and sarcasm. I’m not sure who suggested it first, but it was decided that we’d up the ante and move our discussions to the phone. I still remember the first words you said, “Did you think I was going to call?”  I giggled.  I was mesmerized by the richness of your voice. It fit you perfectly.  I couldn’t get enough, and this became the first of many countless calls.

The ball was rolling, and I was helpless to hold it back. I didn’t want to hold it back. I couldn’t hold it back even if I tried. It was beyond me. I was smitten. Thank you for this beautiful memory. I hold it close, and it’s very dear to my heart.

Fervently yours,

Darling

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My Darling

How very strange to be corresponding with you in this manner. I say that not because it isn’t right but because ours was a very modern romance, shaped and formed in the fires of the internet. I too remember our first encounter. You were in my room. A new little want to be who, like so many others, would be quickly made aware of the pecking order. How wrong I was. Oh yes we sparred, how could we not? The contest felt gladiatorial. You were fast, smart, educated and confident. It quickly became apparent that you were a new force to be reckoned with. But instead of a contest I gave you something that few have earned and even less have received, my respect. My room became our room. How could it have been any other way?

I still remember the first image that you sent me. A girl, no a woman, completely at ease with herself, comfortable in her own skin, was now challenging me from afar. Your swim suit may have been black and white but your personality shined through in all its multi coloured brilliance. Now I don’t want you to think it was titillation, although I couldn’t help but notice your womanhood, however the bravado you displayed was no braggadocio. The defiant pose you struck, as you leapt into that lake, was so in keeping with the personality I had come to know that how could it have been anyone other than you?

Yes our private chat was intense as we slowly got to know one another. We probed away expecting to find some weakness or some flaw. I for one have stopped looking. Yes we found every other’s strengths and we found each other’s weaknesses but that only made me love you all the more.

That first call I can still picture in my mind. There I was, all by myself. Sitting, staring, steeling myself to have the courage to pick up that phone. I gulped some water, cleared my throat, placed the instrument of our communication squarely before me and dialled your number. My heart was in my mouth. I was nervous, nervous like a teenager on a first date nervous. You answered and it began. My nerves? You washed them away.

How the ball did roll. I remember nought of what we said. What was important was that you had become a little more real, a little more tangible. Your personality now had a voice, one that I would come to know oh so well over the coming years. I had not said it at the time but I think we both knew how one another felt. Each step along our journey was not to confirm those feelings; they only served to make them all the more real. They are real to me still.

 

You are still my darling.

From Sir With Love

©2013 Darling and Sir