Rejoining The World

My Dearest Darling

As you are no doubt most painfully aware I went on to marry the woman whom I abandoned you for. It turned out to be an unmitigated disaster. My divorce was as acrimonious as you could make it. I was the recipient of a number of physical threats from people I believe to be family and friends of my ex wife.  

While all of this was happening I was forced to wind up a business that had my ex wife as a director as I was not in a position to buy her out. I had left my chosen field some years earlier so could not easily return to it at the same level at which I departed. For a small period, while settling up the affairs of my failed marriage, I looked to be without a home or a job. Now I don’t want to make that sound overly dramatic. I was not going to be homeless or unemployed. I was just left with a little time to kill before I could move on with my life. I decided that I would spend six weeks with my aging mother.

Well we both know that six weeks turned into six years. I reorganised my life to care for her. It was not really until her death, four days shy of her 90th birthday, that I was able to give serious consideration to what I would now do with my own life. I was now living in a modest country town. What were once vineyards and dairy farms are now coal mines and power generating plants. I no longer had a business and any semblance of a career was now in shreds. I had taken work well below my station, as it was the only available where I now resided, and I was many hours away from a substantial urban centre where I could hope to re-establish my life.

My mother had left a small inheritance and so I decided that I would use that money to strike out in a new direction, even if it was an old familiar path. I decided to try and establish, once more, a career in music. It was something I had always enjoyed but, for reasons that were never really clear to me, I had given it up to pursue seemingly more lofty goals. I have never had delusions of rock stardom, or classical grandeur. I am at my happiest just playing the piano, in a convivial room, surrounded by the vibe of dynamic people all having a great time.

With that in mind and with the need to drag myself kicking and screaming into the 21st century I went into a recording studio to play some demo tracks. I also engaged a professional videographer to shoot some footage allowing me to put together a number of professional film clips by way of introduction to my services.  So in late December of 2012, I recorded eight tracks of me playing various styles of piano music. In mid January of 2013, I shot the video. Then not long after I had my show reels and anyone with an internet connection could find me.

Why am I telling you all of this? Well after my withdrawal from the world I had made myself quite difficult to find. I knew that I would have to remove the veil so to speak. I was putting myself out there for the entire world to see. I consoled myself with one quite simple fact, Darling can now find me. I know it sounds ridiculous. We had not spoken in close to 14 years. But even after all that time I was still thinking of you.

The story is now yours to tell. I do have to say however that the time and money I spent producing those tracks and those videos were the best I’ve ever spent in my life. Why? Because without them you may never have found me. I love you my Darling. I always have. Thank you. Thank you for your forgiveness, your understanding and most of all your love. But thank you also for still searching after all of these years and for having the courage to send that first text message which has drawn us so inextricably together once more.

 

You Will Always Be My Darling

From Sir With Love

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My Sweet Sir,

Sometimes I cannot wrap my head around the belief that you still thought of me, since you were the one who ended everything. It’s not that I don’t believe what you say – of course I do – it’s just that I had believed the opposite for so long that I don’t know how to change my thought process. I suppose it will take time.

I felt (and still feel) anger and sadness in knowing that you gave up playing the piano for such a long time because of your unhappiness. You told me that your ex wife used to present you like a show pony, and that it turned you off to play. That makes me ill. What a waste of a beautiful talent; consequently, I am ecstatic that you’ve resumed your playing. The world deserves to hear your gift. The fact that your published your videos on the web with even the slightest thought that I could possibly find you – astounds me completely.

I know I had sporadic thoughts of you over the years, but they were so painful I didn’t dwell on them. If memory serves, during our last phone call I believe you informed me that you had moved. You didn’t offer your new contact information, nor did I ask for it. Your purposeful intent didn’t go unnoticed; you didn’t want me to have it. I had my pride.

I know I put your name in an online search engine in the past 2 or so years, but I didn’t look very deeply. I was too scared to, so it was just a superficial, cursory search. Even if by chance I had found you, I do not believe that I would have acted upon it at the time.

I briefly mentioned in the letter Vicariously Yours, the path that led me to you. I will quote from it now:

I found you quite unexpectedly. I sat and stared at the web page not daring to believe it was really you; it was my Sir (although I would never have dared to address you as my Sir). I found videos of you playing the piano. My heart constricted and held tight. I couldn’t breathe. I clicked play and was instantly transported to years gone by. I replayed it over and over again. I searched your face. I drank in your hands and your fingers. I stared at your hair remembering how it lay against your neck. I didn’t know how to feel or think. I didn’t know what to say or do. I kept any real emotions under strict lock and key.  I felt a myriad of sensations -a vortex that spun my world around and kicked my feet out from under me.
Then I found those numbers. They mocked me from the page. There was a way to contact you! Was it really that simple? In today’s world I could text you. Did I want to? I was so confused. I purposely did not react for days. After the reality set it, I concluded that I wasn’t scared to contact you anymore. I had disassociated from that emotion. Once I realized and accepted that schism, I was ready.

So my dear Sir, you stated you felt that organizing and producing those videos were worth it, because they made it possible for me to locate you. Your instinct was spot on. I can never fully express how seeing you made me feel. I know relief was one of the bigger emotions.

Here we are taking it one day at a time. Hold my hand, Sir, hold my hand.

Adoringly yours,

Darling

©2013 Darling and Sir

Short clips of Sir’s piano videos will be posted on Christmas Day (United States time)!

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The Lost Purse

My Greenbacked Darling

One of the many places we went to whilst you were in my country was the Sydney Tower Restaurant, of which there are two. We of course dined at the nicer one. It had full table service and a much better selection of wine. Quite literally everywhere you look has truly amazing views. We had window seats as we dined at sunset.

You got to see all of Sydney by day then watched the harbour come to life as the sun went down and then the city lights danced among the gently rippling waves. Even though it was a revolving restaurant the food was quite good and the ever changing scenery made for some truly spectacular sights. It was made all the more special by the fact that I could gaze across the table into your mesmerising dark brown eyes.

A funny thing happened though. You put your purse on a ledge. The restaurant revolved and your purse was gone! Before we really had time to panic a slightly smirking waiter returned it with supercilious smile. Crisis averted. I was way too distracted to notice your purse. My beautiful city with my beautiful woman, what more could a man ask for?

Besottedly Yours

From Sir With Love

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My Romantic Sir,

I loved going to that restaurant with you. The sights were amazing, but the vision across from me was even more so. I loved being on your arm in public.

I remember when we first met (before we met in person), you asked me to describe the color of my eyes. I told you that one person had told me that they were the color of root beer in the sun. When you first gazed in my eyes (in person), you remarked that ‘root beer in the sun’ was a very apt description. I have no idea how much time was spent just staring at each other. I never complained. It was one of my favorite pastimes.

I will never forget going to get something out of my purse only to find it gone. The waiter admitted that it happened all the time, and they were prepared. I thought it was funny after my heart stopped racing. We laughed about it later. A lot.

Gazing-ly yours,

Darling

 

©2013 Darling and Sir

 

The First Cut is the Deepest

My Dear Smooth Sir,

I will never forget when you borrowed my razor. This wasn’t just a disposable, cheap razor either; It was one where the blades were changed once dull.

I had left it in the shower, and you spied it. Curiosity got the better of you and you tried it on your face. It seems you were rather taken with it and the closeness of the shave it gave you. The problem was you neglected to tell me that you had used it, so the next time I attempted to shave with it I gave myself a rather nasty cut. I cried out, and you hurried into the bathroom to see what the matter was, only to find my leg a bloody mess.

You were very sheepish when you confessed to using it. I forgave you, and you made it up to me. I’m sure a leg has never been kissed as much as you kissed mine to make the cut heal quickly.

Limb-ly yours,

Darling

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My Dear Hirsute Darling

How could I have caused you such an injury? What callous and thoughtless behaviour on my part.

I am sure I was just being lazy. I needed to shave. Your razor was in close proximity. Viola, problem solved.

To think I damaged a leg, your leg. The very thing I loved to run my hand along from your ankle to your waist. I was, and still am, aghast. No doubt it did provide me with a close shave. It just wasn’t fully equipped to deal with the coarseness of my facial hair.

I still feel more than a little sheepish for doing this. I don’t remember the forgiveness kisses. No doubt they were epic.

Clean Shavenly Yours

From Sir With Love

Scottish Dining

My Mouth Watering Darling

It was not all fine dining and gueridon service. Sometimes when we were in a hurry we partook of fast food, one of the great exports from your country to the rest of the world. There is a moment in time still fresh in my memory. Specifically a staff member struggling with the name of a fairly basic menu item. This favourite memory occurred as we dined at that fine Scottish establishment, beloved by the entire world. It has retina destroying yellow and red signage, bright migraine inducing lighting and such uncomfortable plastic furniture that the Marquis de Sade would take notes. I speak of none other than McDonalds .

When we were at Mickey D’s, as it is affectionately called here, you wanted some ketchup and the poor serving girl had no idea what that meant. I remember being a little surprised. Ketchup is not what we call it here but American popular culture has permeated our own so I assumed that everybody would still know what it was. By this time we were already seated, but you returned to the counter to get your extra. I remember you walking up to me with this strange expression on your face: it was part amusement, befuddlement and annoyance. I laughed as you explained your dilemma and advised you to ask for “tomato sauce.” You did as suggested and happily returned, not before having the last word though I might add.

Your dalliance with the previously unheard menu items, even at this most familiar of establishments, I will leave for you to tell.

Would You Like Fries With That?

From Sir With Love

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My Brogue-ish Sir,

I daresay we only dined once at the garish Mickey D’s. I had seen a sign for a “McFeast,” and I asked you what it was. I had never heard of a McFeast, and we’ve never had them in the United States (before or since). You told me that you would get one for me to try, and in we went. I just remember that it had shredded carrots on it, but I don’t recall what else. I also had my first sweet potato fries. Australia was ahead of my corner of the world with a menu of healthier choices. Kudos

When we took our food to the table, I decided that I wanted KETCHUP for my fries. I went back to the front counter and asked for some. The girl looked at me strangely and didn’t oblige. I walked back to you confused. You saw the look on my face and asked me what was wrong. I informed you that the employee didn’t seem to know what KETCHUP was when I asked for it. You laughed and told me to go back and ask for “tomato sauce” (pronounced to-mah-toe sauce) which I did. She handed me packets of KETCHUP and I made sure she knew it. Don’t even get me started on fry sauce (go ahead and Google it).

You were still laughing when I returned with my KETCHUP, and still couldn’t believe the girl didn’t know what KETCHUP was. There’s no accounting for a vast vocabulary bank.

Saucily yours,

Darling

 

©2013 Darling and Sir

A Gift of Love

My Dear Sincere Sir,

You are currently in the land of Nod, and that warms my heart. I could not let this opportunity pass me by though; I needed to express my thanks to you. I apologize ahead of time for posting my second letter sans your reply. You still have the option to respond of course (when you wake), but that will be up to you.

As you know, yesterday I went to my mailbox to discover a package from you. I saw your handwriting on the parcel and that brought back a myriad of memories and feelings in itself. The mail person had wedged the package in tight, and I struggled to remove it. Finally a neighbor offered his assistance, and after considerable exertion he was able to extract it from that blasted box. I was worried that whatever was in the package was damaged; alas, it survived admirably. All is well.

My heart was full as I carefully unwrapped the package, because I knew that you had touched and handled it. I took a few moments just to let that sink in – Sir has touched this.

Upon opening the parcel, my hands shook when I saw what it was. I read your card, and I was overcome with emotion. When you wrote, “To my DarlingI think we can do better than a spiral bound notebook” it made me laugh then cry. You know how much I write. You remembered that I have copious notebooks filled with my writing. You have always been so thoughtful and thorough. I am deeply touched.

The leather journal is absolutely exquisite. The handmade pages are beautiful, and I am terrified of writing in it (I can hear your reprimand). My first thought was I needed an old-fashioned quill with a bottle of ink to use to write in it, but we both know I would ruin it and get ink all over it and myself. I will find the perfect writing tool. I am not ashamed to admit that I hugged it to my chest for some time while I breathed in the smell of the leather and pages.

I love you so much. I thank you with all my heart.

Always and truly yours,

Darling

©2013 Darling and Sir

Sir's gift to Darling. Christmas 2013

Sir’s gift to Darling. Christmas 2013

Siren Song

My Darling

It just gone midnight and my phone screen is still blank. Your ringtone is silent. The clock ticks slowly, and my bed calls gently. Still you do not call. I get anxious, and start to fret. I check my signal, make sure the internet is working; my phone is charged, and all apps are ready and fully functional.

Then I hear it, your siren song. I hope it is your voice, although I love your texts as well. You dissolve my anxiety and my fear.

We are now just shy of being reconnected for three months. I still wait for you to tell me that it’s been nice but now you’ve had enough. I fear the day when my phone no longer rings. I took the very thing away from you. How could I not suspect you may do the same?

Then every night you save me. My phone lights up, a ringtone sounds and your face appears. I hear your voice and feel blissed out and can relax.

“Hi Baby, its great to hear your  voice.”

You Will Always Be My Darling

From Sir With Love

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Oh My Dear Sir,

I can hardly believe that it’s been nearly 3 months since we have reconnected. I’m trying to wrap my head around it. You’ve mentioned before how easy it was to get back into a very comfortable pattern; but that’s us – we’ve always been extremely at ease around each other. It’s an incredible feeling. It’s almost too good to be true.

I am sorry you stay up at night to wait for me, but I understand. It’s the same reason I try to wake up extra early – so I can talk to you. There was that instance when you did something out of character and routine for you, and I panicked. We laughed about it later, but at the time I felt very anxious. We are connected on many levels.

Sir, at this point, the only way I will ever be removed from your life is if you tell me goodbye again. The hole in my heart that is trying to mend from the past hurt will never heal properly if that happens. That is the piece of my heart that you own. It is the piece that you uncovered, so it is yours. You are a part of me forever. That will never change.

I distinctly recall a way to ease your tension, my sexy Sir. You’ll just need sturdy furniture.

Lovingly yours – always,

Darling

 

©2013 Darling and Sir

Play Me a Song, Piano Man

My Lovely, Lovely Sir,

When I found you online, I also discovered a video of you playing a song on the piano.  It has become my favorite due to the fact that it was the first time I ‘saw’ you again after so many years.

I watched your fingers glide across the keys. I studied your face. I ached to touch your hair where it lay against your neck. I couldn’t look away; I was mesmerized hardly believing it was really you. I felt like I held my breath until you played the last note. I watched it over and over and over. I thought I was going to wear out my speakers or a cruel box would pop up and tell me I’ve viewed the allotted amount of time and I would be cut off.

The world tipped for me that day. I was catapulted back to 1999. I couldn’t even put to words what I was feeling. I was too overwhelmed. I had proof that you were still out there in that great, big world. I just didn’t know what to do about it.

The song haunts me and seduces me. It fills my whole being and makes me tingle, because I know it’s you playing it. It brings tears to my eyes because of the emotions it elicits. I play it continuously. I am completely sweet on you, Sir.

Play SymbolSir Playing Billy Joel’s New York State of Mind

Seductively yours,

Darling

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My Melodic Darling

The money that I spent to cut that demo tape and have the video shot was worth every penny. It led you to me. Even though we had not spoken in over fourteen years I still thought that it might help you find me, and lo and behold it did.

I am humbled and flattered that you like it. If only there was a quality song that featured your own home state.

In terms of not knowing what to do about it, well I think you did. Look at us now.

Pianistically Yours

From Sir With Love

©2013 Darling and Sir

Against the Odds

My Love – My Dear Sir,

We both know that being together, at this time, is not an option. We have discussed the cliché “never say never” as well as having hope. If I ever get the chance to be in your arms again, I don’t think I could ever leave them. I know I wouldn’t want to. That thought actually frightens and exhilarates me at the same time

Realistically, I know how I feel about you. I also know that I would take the risk of being hurt again if the opportunity arises to be together once more. Also, if I were honest, I am still dealing with the past hurt. I am chipping away at the stone, and then you come along and whack it with a sledgehammer. The fact that you are wanting and willing to help me smash old baggage melts my heart.

I love you so much.

Thoroughly yours,

Darling

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My Darling

I know we cannot be together. I see no way that fact will change. You tell me “never say never” and I want to believe you, even though my brain tries to deny it. However in my heart all hope is not extinguished. I want to be with you my Darling, even though I think it unlikely. Your choice of frightened and exhilarating is perfect. My fear of failure is palpable. To hurt you once  more would send me into a spiral of depression. One from which I may never recover.

To hold you in my arms again? That thought has me almost in tears. Like almost fifteen years ago, the one hurdle we had to face was the physical. Unlike then, we now know of our compatibility. While I think if we were ever to be in the same room together both of our anxieties would be swept aside. The lead up to that first meeting though would be both excruciating and intense. I am not sure I would be in any way sensible or articulate as I awaited that day.

Yes, I know there is past hurt for you to deal with. I will help in any way that I can. If at the end of that process you decide that we can just be friends, well it will make me sad but I will understand. I inflicted a hurt of great enormity. To be at this point at all truly astounds me. For it to go any further would be a miracle. I am not that lucky my Darling, that was always some other guy.

Longingly Yours

From Sir With Love

©2013 Darling and Sir

I Believed You

Poem referenced in the letter “In The Blink of an Eye.”

There wasn’t a white horse
But you brought a glass shoe
Fluffy clouds, stars, and dreams
And I believed you

Didn’t need shining armor
Fairy dust – a pinch or two
High-priced colored glasses
And I believed you

The sun and moon were aligned
You played a love song
I thought I could believe you
I found out I was wrong

By Darling ©2013 TSL

Weak-Kneed

Hello My Sir,

I just wanted you to know something simple and pure. When I see a message alert on my phone and upon checking it, I see that it’s you – it thrills me to my core. My stomach flips, and my heart races. I feel flushed. I am giddy like a school girl, and it’s all because I know you’re there.

When you call and say “Hey Baby,” I get weak-kneed. You do this to me Sir. You make me blush. You heighten all my senses. You make me giggle and scoff, and you keep me on my toes.

I think about you all the time.

Carry on sweetheart, carry on.

Electrifyingly yours,

Darling

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Dearest Darling

I love to send you messages, though sometimes they seem inadequate. I still would rather hear your voice though. It is nice to know that as we sit before our computers, often composing this very blog, that you are just a message away. We remain silent for extended periods then one of us will comment. I can feel the love.

I adore the messages I receive from you, especially when I rehearse. I leave the phone on silent but still clearly visible on my music stand. When you text bomb it makes me smile. Fortunately you have never made me lose my place or add some extra notes, but I know full well that day will come.

I get the message my darling I truly do.

You Will Always Be My Darling

From Sir With Love

©2013 Darling and Sir