Insecurities

My Dear Sir,

I’ve worked hard, and I’ve accomplished many goals throughout my life. I feel completely confident in myself. I’ve earned degrees and awards that are held in high esteem in certain academic circles. I’ve carved out a satisfied niche for myself, but I’ve paid the price for it. That being said, I have just come to realize and recognize something that I need to face. I feel insecure with you, and it’s not a comfortable place to be.

Realistically I understand why I feel this way, but it’s bothering me. I hate that I feel this way. I am almost reluctant to express these emotions. It’s like I have a pebble in my shoe and no matter what I do, I can’t find the source.

I can promise you that I will do everything I can to get over this feeling. It’s vital that I do. I am sorry for yet another flaw in my character.

Tenderly,

Darling

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My Dear Troubled Darling

It pains me greatly to be talking about this. In the fourteen plus years since we last spoke you have done truly astounding things and have much to be proud of. I am a little sad that I was not there to witness your ascent to the summit of those dizzy heights, but I can assure you that it did not surprise me at all to learn of your achievements. Those lofty peaks are where you rightly belong.

To hear you say you feel insecure; well I both understand and I am a little perplexed. I understand because you can only measure me by my actions, which we both know have been far from acceptable. Where I become a little perplexed is that you were the one who reached out to me. I yearned to speak to you again, but I felt I had no right; I was without courage. In the brief time we have been reacquainted, our feelings have become overwhelming and while I cannot deny or hide from my past your insecurity confounds a little.

The pebble in your shoe? I think I know its cause. The last time we spoke, and I mean in 1999, it was me informing you that I had moved on and was with another woman, one whom I went on to disastrously marry. I had no feelings for her previous to this but I know my actions spoke volumes. There are various women in my life now, all of whom I now know platonically and in some cases professionally. There is one with whom I have had a relationship, another who is desperately seeking a relationship and another sending quite mixed messages on the subject. One is married and another in a serious relationship, both institutions you know I respect. The one I did date, well what can I say but we were a failure as a couple. Another is quite a bit younger than me, plus I have received some fairly direct and at other times rather ambiguous texts from these women.  I have relayed all of this to you because that’s the nature of our relationship. I tell you everything. 

It didn’t dawn on me when you first told me about your insecurity that this might be the cause. Sadly though from your perspective I can see that it would be a powerful trigger. Here I am in another country, there are women who may or may not be expressing an interest in me, I have denied any intent but all of your old memories come flooding back.

I am not to going to ply you with empty words but I will say two things to you. Firstly you know I am in a position to literally drop everything and be with you in a day. We have both agreed that I will not do that for reasons which will not be divulged. If however you change your mind, just send me a signal and I am there. I will purchase an open ended ticket right now and await your consent.

Secondly, while I know you understand the work I have put in to establish these professional arrangements, I will end them tomorrow with no questions asked if that will assuage your fears.

I stupidly gave you up last time for quite inexcusable reasons. I will not make the same mistake twice.

With Quiet Determination

From Sir With Love

P.S. Yes I would like you to get over this feeling but in no way known is your character flawed.

©2013 Darling and Sir

Wondering

A poem by Darling expressing her innermost thoughts as she ponders the whereabouts of Sir. Written in July 2013.

 

It’s been nearly fifteen years

I have cracked open the door

Of memories that I shut long ago

.

I feel like I can breathe again

My heart is no longer constricted

And I don’t have to tip toe

.

And I wonder how you are

And if you’ve found happiness

And if you think of me

.

Do your eyes still glow

When you tell a joke

Do you continue to dream

.

Do you see places we’ve been

Remembering with a smile

Or do you still ache

.

Are you curious about the ‘what-ifs’

Or have times of regret

Thinking it was all a mistake

.

I’m wondering.

.

By Darling ©2013 TSL

I Honestly Love You

Hello My Darling

I did something tonight while you were asleep that made me think of you. Now that in itself is quite the norm. I mean I have this blog, your blog, our chat logs, our photos, your photos, our memories and our songs.

Now when you bed down each evening I normally don my headphones and take a brisk walk around the local golf course. It clears my head and lets me spend an uninterrupted hour just thinking about you. I choose the golf course because it is the most visually appealing part of town. You know I find my current location a little dreary. I have made some excellent friends here but in the way of cultural diversions I find it a little wanting. Anyway tonight I chose no play list at all. I usually choose one that fits the mood, often based on the tone of our last conversation. I was thinking about one of “our” songs. You only recently told me of its meaning, I confess that I’d forgotten and how I’d poisoned it for you. I’m sure I once knew, but my years are catching up with me darling and my memory is not what it used to be.

Anyway I decided to play it. I needed to see how it felt. I know I played it over and over for you. I know I meant every word of it at the time, and I feel I still do. So I suppose I was wondering several things: How did you feel about me doing that? Do you think you could listen to it again without the rancour? And lastly if you think you could, would you listen to it for me and tell me how you feel?

The song you will of course know. Written by Peter Allen and made famous by Olivia Newton John. None other than “I Honestly Love You.”

You Will Always Be My Darling

From Sir With Love

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Lovely Sir,

After reading your letter early this morning, I have pondered on your request all day. I decided to do as you so kindly requested, and I played our old song tonight; I played it many times. I listened to the words, and all the past memories came back with such a force that my heart hurt terribly.  I heard the haunting melody as well as absorbed the meaning and I couldn’t help myself – I wept.  I am not sure what kind of tears they were; I’d like to think cleansing ones, but if I were honest there were bitter and resentful ones mixed in with an aching that was sharp and real.

This song was your anthem to me. I remember watching you play it. My eyes followed your beautiful fingers as they lovingly caressed the piano keys to this tune, then I couldn’t help myself – my eyes were drawn upward to watch your face as you played. You were caught up in the moment of music and love. I was held captive in rapture. I felt what you meant for me to feel. I was in tune to you (sorry for the pun). I ached.

That was taken from me. What was once beautiful withered and died. I abhorred that song when I heard it. I steered clear of it. I turned off the radio if by some slim chance it came on. I couldn’t face reality. Sometimes, as you know, I still can’t; consequently, I am trying. I wonder if I should have refrained from bringing up the subject of this song since you had forgotten, but you have asked me to never hide the truth from you or my feelings. I respect and love you enough to adhere to your wishes.

My hands are even shaking a little as I type this. I know what these words are going to do to your heart as well, and I wish with all my being that I could shield you from yourself.  I am listening to the song as I compose this letter. I am so deeply sorry.

On a positive note (I’d like to end it as such), I feel like I have climbed this ugly mountain. I can see the other side. I like that you played this song again after so many years. I can imagine you playing it, because I had the privilege of seeing that first hand. Thank you for that memory. Hopefully all the bad will be replaced by good. This is such a new road to walk on. Thank you for walking it with me. I honestly love you.

Achingly yours,

Darling

 

©2013 Darling and Sir