Through My Eyes

My Sweet Sir,

I know I have regurgitated some painful, ugly feelings lately. Many of those feelings surfaced due to new information I received. I am sorry for faltering. Thank you for riding this crazy roller coaster with me and for holding my hand. I know this journey will take time. It tries my patience with myself.

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes if even for a brief moment. You’d see the man I fell in love with 16 years ago. You’d see a man of strength, character, and charisma. And if by some small miracle you could visualize yourself through my eyes, I’d want you to feel the love and emotions that accompany my view. If you could experience my feelings, I think they’d leave you gasping on the floor with their intensity. They would overwhelm you and then you’d truly know and all doubt would be cast aside.

While I cannot pretend or deny away any of your painful actions, I can see past them to the man I once knew. I can feel your heart and soul. I can feel your joys and pains. I can even feel your smiles. When you laugh, the world is drawn in and laughs with you.  And, my oh my, your voice leaves me weak. I remember the gentleness and surety of your touch – the warmth, the passion, the love. My goodness your charm leaves me breathless.

You were and have always been such a magnetic presence. People have constantly looked to you for leadership and answers. You are a force to be reckoned with, and I am in awe.

I am not telling you these things to pamper any vanities or false pride you may have. On the contrary, I am merely expressing my opinions based on facts. You are my Sir – a gentleman of conviction and integrity.  You are a man who makes mistakes, yes, but one who accepts responsibility and doesn’t deviate or pass judgments.

I adore you. I love you.

Hopelessly devoted,

Darling

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My Dearest Darling

Your words are, as always, exquisite. You see something in me that I will grant you maybe was there 16 years ago. I am not sure it is still the case today; it saddens me to say it. With you in my life I was the best that I could be. After my hideous actions I made a string of questionable decisions (actually that’s just being polite, they were atrocious decisions). Sure I could be that guy again. I could be him for the same reasons as I was him 16 years ago. You would be by my side. I don’t doubt your feelings my love, I just wonder if you are in love with a guy who doesn’t exist anymore. I feel manifestly unworthy.

If I were to have a vanity it would be my voice. You know that I have used it professionally over the years but the fact that you derive some pleasure from it makes me incredibly happy. I remember caressing you with my hands, and I long to do so again. My hands still reach out to hold you now. I ache to run my fingers along the length of your legs, to cradle your face in my hands as we kiss, to wrap my arms around you as our passion ignites.

You say that you are in awe of me. I am humbled. It is I that is in awe of you. I know what I did to you. I know how I hurt you. I have carried a flame for you, thinking I would never hear from you again. Then after fourteen and a half years my phone lights up with a message from you. I reread an email I sent you 10 hours later. It was clear even then that I was so in love with you. I could see I was trying to hold it back; I was quite literally in shock. But my love for you just gushed out all the same.

My fear is that I must seem somewhat pathetic, a broken man holding out his hand for help and attention. Once you had truly identified yourself, my heart was in the pit of my stomach. I was transported back through time and all the pain and anguish that I felt came flooding back. Not a shadow, not an echo, not a glimmer. I was there. My terrible deed was done, blood was on my hands and evil was in my heart. I was overwhelmed with the guilt and remorse I had suppressed and ignored for so very long. That I had so callously discarded the thing in my life that was most precious to me, you, made me shake my head in utter disbelief at my own arrogance and stupidity.

I love you my darling, unashamedly, unabashedly and unequivocally. You are back in my life and while I feel totally unworthy, I am still hungry for you. I am selfish and deluded. I will take any morsel I can get and still beg for more. Yes I have accepted responsibility for what I have done, but I have not forgiven myself. There is only one way that I think I ever will. That however is too much to hope for.

 

You Will Always Be My Darling

From Sir With Love

©2013 Darling and Sir