I Know Why

My Dear Love – Sir,

I sent you this song a while back. The song hurt my heart with its beautiful, haunting words and melody. I knew I had to send it to you if you. I wondered if you had heard it before; you informed me you hadn’t.

I closed my eyes, listened to the words of this song, and I let myself remember us – how we were before it all turned upside down. This poignant song makes me ache for you.

There is one thing I do know though; I know why I love you. I just do, because you’re you – you’re my Sir. As the song says, I was afraid of loving you again, but the truth is I never stopped. You have my heart. Please keep it safe.

Shawn Colvin – I Don’t Know Why

Always yours,
Darling

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My Loving Darling

You amaze me with the music you pick. Some if it has very quickly made its way it in to my repertoire.  I feel this will be another.

I didn’t really connect with it much the first time you sent it. Let me say that has now changed. I love this song.

It is overwhelming to hear that you love me still and that you feel you never stopped. I know I always carried a torch for you. It is earth shattering to me that I can tell you it now. I never thought I would again have the chance.

As for your heart, well it is safe. I am not prone to making the same mistake twice, especially one of this enormity. I love you my Darling with all my heart.

You Will Always Be My Darling

From Sir With Love

©2014 Darling and Sir

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That Damn Noise

My Sweetest Sir,

We’ve discussed the first night I was in Australia, and that damn, horrible noise that woke me up after I finally drifted off into dreamland. We were so baffled at what it could be, and I love you that you believed me straight away (even though it didn’t rear its ugly head again until later).

I am giggling here, because I know you’re cringing. I can’t even clearly recall exactly when, but I do know where it was discovered.

I want to back up a bit and set up a premise before the final unveiling of that damn noise. When my daughter was born, my mother lovingly refinished a beautiful, antique, wooden rocking chair and gave it to me. I love that rocking chair, and I still have it today. While I rocked my baby to sleep, that charming chair creaked in tune with my rocking. Instead of being annoying, those creaks lulled my baby to sleep.

Now with that idea set, I’m not even sure how to continue explaining the damn noise (I can’t type noise without the damn adjective. It’s fitting.) I know you were in bed waiting for me as I was doing my nightly ritual (wash face, brush teeth, etc.), when I heard that damn noise. I rushed into your room and said, “That’s the noise! What was that?”

You stared at me, still not sure what that damn noise was. Then you got up to investigate for me. My eyes got wide. Problem solved.

Mischievously yours,

Darling

p.s. I left that damn noise unsaid, so you can do the honors.

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My Sleep Disturbed Darling

Let’s cut to the chase. The noise? It was the creaks given off by the floor boards under my bed. Every time I rolled over or moved they groaned. The house was under renovation and the piers had not been reblocked yet.

You didn’t seem to mind when you were helping with the creaking!

Noisily Yours

From Sir With Love

©2013 Darling and Sir

First Night Part 2

My Dear Virile Sir,

That first night was much more than making love; you had started to Uncover me.

After hearing the hideous noise that kind of freaked me out, you came into the spare room to sit with me and ease my mind. Neither of us had any preconceived notions. You truly were (and are) a gentleman.

You lay by my side. Your face was so full of concern for my well-being. I remember you reached out and rubbed my arm offering me comfort. Your hand came up to caress my face. You traced my lips with your finger.  I automatically turned my face towards yours, and your head came down. Your lips gently rubbed against my own – feeling and exploring. I felt you smile against them. It was the most unhurried, beautiful kiss. We loved to rub our lips together.

My tongue naturally came out and stroked your bottom lip from one corner of your mouth to the other. I felt your intake of breath and your soft groan. It exhilarated and excited me. You told me that you have committed to memory the feel of my hand on the back of your head and my fingers running through your hair.  I also remember running my tongue along your jaw line to your ear Sir, which I lightly sucked.  I kissed your cheek, your neck, and your lips again. I nibbled on and owned your bottom lip.

I vividly remember pushing you onto your back and kissing your chest so I could feel your heart beat against my mouth. It was racing under my touch. Your hands were in my hair as you arched. I lost it. I loved kissing your neck; I craved your skin.

You loved my burgundy toes. You kissed them and my feet and ankles and up my legs. If I thought your eyes glowed earlier, that was nothing compared to how they smoldered now. They blazed into mine kindling my passion and making me blush.

I don’t even recall when I became aware of your hand stroking my bare leg. Those long fingers that so beautifully play the piano lovingly played my body. The music we made was pure and raw. I couldn’t lie still. I even remember telling you that I loved your long fingers.

There are four words you said to me at that time – four words that made me pause. I misunderstood at first. Your eyes were fiery and staring into mine as you realized my confusion. You quickly cleared up my doubt then made up for it tenfold. I’m still a bit chagrin realizing my misinterpretation. I have never forgotten those words. I never will. You touched me. You branded me and made me yours.

I can see you looking down at me. You weren’t smiling, but there was so much heady emotion in your features. I responded to you, and your eyes rolled back into your head. I can still see that look.  I can feel my body reacting to the memories even now after all these years. It hasn’t waned one tiny bit.

Intensely yours,

Darling

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My Luscious Darling

I never thought I would need to reply to such an intimate letter in such a public place. You have chosen your words so very carefully. It is almost as if you have thrown down the gauntlet.

That hideous noise was my blessing and my curse. You were so obviously concerned, and I so obviously flummoxed as to its cause that I thought you may never rest.

If I saw this tale unfold elsewhere my cynic’s radar would be in overdrive. “A noise?” “Rubbing your arm.” “Tracing your lips.” Then of course the “kiss.” If I hadn’t been there myself, I would suspect the careful planning of a seasoned “player.” The fact is that it was as you tell it. It wasn’t planned. It was a moment in time, both pure and real. I look back on it now and these circumstances make it even more surreal and most certainly more beautiful.

I remember you kissing me, then sucking my bottom lip. But what I remember the most was the ease of our coupling. My hand between your legs as I teased them apart. My tongue running from your ankle to your thigh then to places far beyond.  I loved to run my hand down the length of your leg, holding us together, as I gazed into your frantic eyes.

I too remember those four words. Your passion and excitement were like nothing else. I was in awe of what your body did. That I could confuse you at such a defining moment truly mortifies me. I was full of nothing but admiration, adoration, and love. You amazed me then and I will never forget. 

We had spent eighteen months waiting for our time to arrive. You were in my home, we shared a bed, and then we shared one another.  There was fire, there was passion and there was a real dynamic sexual tension. But above all else though, there was respect and there was love.

I love you my Darling, more now than ever. I must finish with the word’s that are a somewhat over quoted and a little bittersweet. The words are from Alfred Lord Tennyson poem In Memoriam. “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Well I have loved you my Darling and you have loved me.

Sensuously Yours

From Sir With Love

©2013 Darling and Sir

Supplanted

Dear Sir,

I remember you telling me about her before you and I even met. I asked you if there was conflict in your heart. I told you that I would not stand in your way if she was your true desire. You reassured me she was not; you hadn’t even dated her. You loved me, and wanted to be with me. She didn’t compare to what we had. She was an annoyance and nothing more.

She was relentless in her pursuit and interest towards you. You just wanted me to be aware of her because you wanted to be honest and open. I admired that about you. I believed you. I trusted you.

I was a fool.

Painfully,

Darling

©2013 Darling and Sir

I Honestly Love You

Hello My Darling

I did something tonight while you were asleep that made me think of you. Now that in itself is quite the norm. I mean I have this blog, your blog, our chat logs, our photos, your photos, our memories and our songs.

Now when you bed down each evening I normally don my headphones and take a brisk walk around the local golf course. It clears my head and lets me spend an uninterrupted hour just thinking about you. I choose the golf course because it is the most visually appealing part of town. You know I find my current location a little dreary. I have made some excellent friends here but in the way of cultural diversions I find it a little wanting. Anyway tonight I chose no play list at all. I usually choose one that fits the mood, often based on the tone of our last conversation. I was thinking about one of “our” songs. You only recently told me of its meaning, I confess that I’d forgotten and how I’d poisoned it for you. I’m sure I once knew, but my years are catching up with me darling and my memory is not what it used to be.

Anyway I decided to play it. I needed to see how it felt. I know I played it over and over for you. I know I meant every word of it at the time, and I feel I still do. So I suppose I was wondering several things: How did you feel about me doing that? Do you think you could listen to it again without the rancour? And lastly if you think you could, would you listen to it for me and tell me how you feel?

The song you will of course know. Written by Peter Allen and made famous by Olivia Newton John. None other than “I Honestly Love You.”

You Will Always Be My Darling

From Sir With Love

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Lovely Sir,

After reading your letter early this morning, I have pondered on your request all day. I decided to do as you so kindly requested, and I played our old song tonight; I played it many times. I listened to the words, and all the past memories came back with such a force that my heart hurt terribly.  I heard the haunting melody as well as absorbed the meaning and I couldn’t help myself – I wept.  I am not sure what kind of tears they were; I’d like to think cleansing ones, but if I were honest there were bitter and resentful ones mixed in with an aching that was sharp and real.

This song was your anthem to me. I remember watching you play it. My eyes followed your beautiful fingers as they lovingly caressed the piano keys to this tune, then I couldn’t help myself – my eyes were drawn upward to watch your face as you played. You were caught up in the moment of music and love. I was held captive in rapture. I felt what you meant for me to feel. I was in tune to you (sorry for the pun). I ached.

That was taken from me. What was once beautiful withered and died. I abhorred that song when I heard it. I steered clear of it. I turned off the radio if by some slim chance it came on. I couldn’t face reality. Sometimes, as you know, I still can’t; consequently, I am trying. I wonder if I should have refrained from bringing up the subject of this song since you had forgotten, but you have asked me to never hide the truth from you or my feelings. I respect and love you enough to adhere to your wishes.

My hands are even shaking a little as I type this. I know what these words are going to do to your heart as well, and I wish with all my being that I could shield you from yourself.  I am listening to the song as I compose this letter. I am so deeply sorry.

On a positive note (I’d like to end it as such), I feel like I have climbed this ugly mountain. I can see the other side. I like that you played this song again after so many years. I can imagine you playing it, because I had the privilege of seeing that first hand. Thank you for that memory. Hopefully all the bad will be replaced by good. This is such a new road to walk on. Thank you for walking it with me. I honestly love you.

Achingly yours,

Darling

 

©2013 Darling and Sir

Change of Identity

My Darling

Reminiscing about our time together in that chat room all those years ago has brought many memories flooding back. It seems a little trite after your poetic utterances but there is one incident in particular that stands out in my mind. It was the day we swapped identities.

I may need to go “full geek” here a bit to explain what really happened. My darling you were always lightning fast; your brain and your fingers seemed to operate on a plane above we mere mortals. I couldn’t actually admit it to myself at the time, but you were actually quicker on the draw. I would console myself with the fact that you were in America and closer to the servers, and your ping was faster. I would make excuses that here in far away Australia I only had a 33.6k dial up modem whereas you had the superior 56k variety.  To the younger generation this will mean naught, but to those of us who grew up listening to the sounds of those modems as they made that hideous “connecting to the internet sound” they will know the significance of those numbers. 

That sound! I hear it now. Occasionally there will be an old film or TV show that has it in the background. It plays and I am instantly transported back to you. It was the sound that trumpeted your arrival, our connection. In reality it was shrill and coarse, but to me it was the soundtrack of my love for you. How strange that sounds and later smells should trigger such vivid memories of you. But I digress. 

As I have already said, you were a dynamo, totally unstoppable. I would just sit and bask in your brilliance and wit. To the rest of the room though, when we went at it and let go with our full arsenal of caustic comments, the ironic one liners, the caustic barbs, the devastating put downs, well they would just go a little quiet. They were in awe. You and I, we were having the time of our cyber lives. They would see some acerbic comment and think a killer blow had been landed. They waited for one us to wilt under the strain. It may be my rose coloured memory but I don’t ever recall feeling hurt or even slighted by one thing you ever said. I would just throw my head back and laugh. Then I’d keep a mental tally knowing that an opportunity would present itself and I would exact my revenge. 

So, let’s be a little hedonistic here, we were brilliant together. Then at some point, and I’m not sure who was initially responsible, we decided to switch identities. The fact that we would happily exchange our passwords, even when viewed through the prism of a simpler time, still shows how much I both trusted and loved you. So we were in our chat room. You were me, and I was you. And so it began. We knew each other so well that we could mimic each other’s “internet voice” for want of a better description. I cringe to say it because it reveals a vain shortcoming of my own but you even replicated one of my regular typos. You typed “loose” instead of “lose” and any variation of those two words. I hated that you knew me so well (not really) but I loved the agility of your mind and the fact that you so thoroughly took on my chat room persona and inhabited it so completely. We then set about flirting with ourselves. The narcissism didn’t strike me at the time but goodness knows what a competent psychologist would make of our behaviour. I know I used to make jokes about being so arrogant that I would cry out my own name at the moment of climax while making love. I think this may have been the chat room equivalent. 

Anyway we did this on only a few occasions and when that field was fallow we moved on to greener pastures. I am not sure why this memory has surfaced now but it makes me so damn happy to remember you at the top of your game, though I fear for my own sake that you still may very well be at the pinnacle. It seems strange that such an act of self indulgence be such a fond memory. It just showed you in all your magnificent glory and revealed, if only to me, how truly brilliant you were and still are. I was completely head over heels in love with by this time. This just cemented in my mind how truly remarkable our connection was, and dare I say still is. I love you my darling. Words cannot express what it is like to have you back in my life. To find myself reliving our past in a blog should be a little disconcerting, however it is not. I have no need to interrogate why I feel the way I do about you, but by putting these thoughts down in writing it has crystallised my emotions and confirmed them on yet another level.

You Will Always Be My Darling

From Sir With Love

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My Dear Sir,

What connivers we were! I had forgotten all about our switching identities scheme. I had studied your online character intensely, and I have no doubt that I felt rather confident in impersonating you; consequently, I would never be so presumptuous and bold now. I had even forgotten your ‘lose – loose’ mix-ups. That made me smile. I loved you for your minute, human errors. I found them to be on the adorable side for such a strong person. I even found it rather endearing that I made a better online man than you made a woman purely for the reason that your masculinity was so prominent. Your charisma is as astounding today as it was back then. Some things never change.

If memory serves me (and I admit you have the stronger independent recollection here), I do think I remarked and teased you about all the private messages I received while pretending to be you. You had many female admirers. They all wanted to rub shoulders with my Sir. I couldn’t fault them for wanting the very thing I did.

I trusted you implicitly with my name, and I know that trust was reciprocated. I would never have abused your faith in me. Your name had a reputation of being a gentleman, and I had to uphold it no matter how tempting it was to tell your female fans to get lost. You are correct that we never hurt one another intentionally with our verbal sparring. It was exhilarating and entertaining. If you even thought for a second that you had hurt my feelings, you would instantly apologize. Again, proof that you were (and are) a true gentleman.

I think this memory of yours (and mine) held a much higher purpose because it answered the question – could we trust each other? I think we both passed with flying colors.

Fondly,

Darling

 

©2013 Darling and Sir

The Virtual Beginning

Dear Sir,

I noticed you right away. You stood out among the crowd. In a world of black and white, your charisma and charm shone through. While most didn’t ‘get me’ you did; consequently, you did from the very onset. Nonverbal communication was no barrier in our minds. You would fire off a remark at me, and I’d fire one back even more caustic; I loved it. Sparring became our thing. We understood each other and my world became very small where you were at the center. I would get a thrill when I knew you were there. I still do.

We exchanged pictures. My eyes drank you in. There you were – a person of flesh and blood captured in 2-D. A man. Real. You seemed surprised that I liked what I saw, although for the life of me I don’t know why. Dare I say I saw a glimmer of hesitancy in your persona? I loved you for that small vein of uncertainty in an otherwise confident human being. It was endearing.

We took our long conversations to a private world where we bothered no one and just enjoyed each others’ humor, intelligence, and sarcasm. I’m not sure who suggested it first, but it was decided that we’d up the ante and move our discussions to the phone. I still remember the first words you said, “Did you think I was going to call?”  I giggled.  I was mesmerized by the richness of your voice. It fit you perfectly.  I couldn’t get enough, and this became the first of many countless calls.

The ball was rolling, and I was helpless to hold it back. I didn’t want to hold it back. I couldn’t hold it back even if I tried. It was beyond me. I was smitten. Thank you for this beautiful memory. I hold it close, and it’s very dear to my heart.

Fervently yours,

Darling

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My Darling

How very strange to be corresponding with you in this manner. I say that not because it isn’t right but because ours was a very modern romance, shaped and formed in the fires of the internet. I too remember our first encounter. You were in my room. A new little want to be who, like so many others, would be quickly made aware of the pecking order. How wrong I was. Oh yes we sparred, how could we not? The contest felt gladiatorial. You were fast, smart, educated and confident. It quickly became apparent that you were a new force to be reckoned with. But instead of a contest I gave you something that few have earned and even less have received, my respect. My room became our room. How could it have been any other way?

I still remember the first image that you sent me. A girl, no a woman, completely at ease with herself, comfortable in her own skin, was now challenging me from afar. Your swim suit may have been black and white but your personality shined through in all its multi coloured brilliance. Now I don’t want you to think it was titillation, although I couldn’t help but notice your womanhood, however the bravado you displayed was no braggadocio. The defiant pose you struck, as you leapt into that lake, was so in keeping with the personality I had come to know that how could it have been anyone other than you?

Yes our private chat was intense as we slowly got to know one another. We probed away expecting to find some weakness or some flaw. I for one have stopped looking. Yes we found every other’s strengths and we found each other’s weaknesses but that only made me love you all the more.

That first call I can still picture in my mind. There I was, all by myself. Sitting, staring, steeling myself to have the courage to pick up that phone. I gulped some water, cleared my throat, placed the instrument of our communication squarely before me and dialled your number. My heart was in my mouth. I was nervous, nervous like a teenager on a first date nervous. You answered and it began. My nerves? You washed them away.

How the ball did roll. I remember nought of what we said. What was important was that you had become a little more real, a little more tangible. Your personality now had a voice, one that I would come to know oh so well over the coming years. I had not said it at the time but I think we both knew how one another felt. Each step along our journey was not to confirm those feelings; they only served to make them all the more real. They are real to me still.

 

You are still my darling.

From Sir With Love

©2013 Darling and Sir