You’ve told me numerous times one of the reasons you ditched me was because you no longer believed in us. In my head, I think proximity was a big part of your thinking. I was across the ocean. She was there. You could have sex with her; so you did. Then once you made your bed, you decided to lie in it completely. End of story.
What I have trouble with is when you’ve told me that you tried to make her into me. You talked to her like she was me, which obviously didn’t go well at all. How could it? You’ve said to me, “She wasn’t you Darling.” To which I want to respond, “And your first clue was?” She wasn’t and isn’t me. She sounds like my polar opposite, which just dumbfounds me that you ended up married to her. At the risk of sounding conceited, I cannot be replaced – ever. She never could have been me, and it galls me that you even tried.
One thing that hurts a lot is that you married her in “our” place. I remember your message telling me that little factoid. I guess telling me over the phone was too hard; plus we were just beginning to talk again. This actually isn’t a criticism. It’s just how it played out.
I am not even sure how to report to you about how I’m handling all this news to date. In the beginning it was information overload and it made my head spin: you married “her,” you were unhappy, your marriage was a farce, she was an alcoholic, she loved being wealthy and spending your money, she disliked your parents, she was unfaithful, her family was/is crazy, you knew on your wedding day that you married the wrong woman, you regretted letting me go, I was “the one who got away.”
That last one made me raise my eyebrow. I didn’t “get away.” You pushed me away, and that still hurts. It hurts us both. I should be happy to hear this after all these years, but I don’t feel happy about it all. I want to say, “Well you got what you deserved,” but did I? Did I deserve it too? I believed you. I missed out on having you in my life even as a friend. I missed your larger-than-life personality. I missed you. And that sucks.
I never realized how fast fourteen and a half years could go by.
My Dear Sad Darling
I was not sure that there was an “us” anymore my sweet. The space that “we” occupied had become empty. That is not an excuse just an observation. I could have easily found out, I just didn’t.
Proximity may have played a part, but I think availability was the critical factor. I can honestly say that I did not pursue, woo or in any way try to attract “her.” She quite literally threw herself at me.
I was devastated by what I had done. I was no longer worthy of you or your love. Yes I tried to turn her into you. There was not a chance that would happen. She was not you. I was just lying to myself and trying to distract myself from the reality of my awful deed. You could never be replaced. I knew that. I knew there would never be another you, so I didn’t really care who I was with. They would always run a very poor second.
Having said all that, after it all went pear shaped my desire for affection, to feel love, to give love, to share love, became almost ghost like. You have made much of my many previous partners, my tally has barely been added to. This has occurred for a variety of reasons, not least however by the fact that I barely tried to engage.
Yes I threw away 14 plus years of us, both as friends and lovers. I can’t give those back to either of us, despite it being my most fervent wish. I want to cry out that we should make the most of now and the future. You however are not a point to embrace that for reasons that are self evident. If and when you are, I will be here. I like to think that I learn from my mistakes.
From Sir With Love
©2013 Darling and Sir