In The Blink of an Eye

Dear Sir,

You’ve told me numerous times one of the reasons you ditched me was because you no longer believed in us. In my head, I think proximity was a big part of your thinking. I was across the ocean. She was there. You could have sex with her; so you did. Then once you made your bed, you decided to lie in it completely. End of story.

What I have trouble with is when you’ve told me that you tried to make her into me. You talked to her like she was me, which obviously didn’t go well at all. How could it? You’ve said to me, “She wasn’t you Darling.” To which I want to respond, “And your first clue was?” She wasn’t and isn’t me. She sounds like my polar opposite, which just dumbfounds me that you ended up married to her. At the risk of sounding conceited, I cannot be replaced – ever. She never could have been me, and it galls me that you even tried.

One thing that hurts a lot is that you married her in “our” place. I remember your message telling me that little factoid. I guess telling me over the phone was too hard; plus we were just beginning to talk again. This actually isn’t a criticism. It’s just how it played out.

I am not even sure how to report to you about how I’m handling all this news to date. In the beginning it was information overload and it made my head spin: you married “her,” you were unhappy, your marriage was a farce, she was an alcoholic, she loved being wealthy and spending your money, she disliked your parents, she was unfaithful, her family was/is crazy, you knew on your wedding day that you married the wrong woman, you regretted letting me go, I was “the one who got away.”

That last one made me raise my eyebrow. I didn’t “get away.” You pushed me away, and that still hurts. It hurts us both. I should be happy to hear this after all these years, but I don’t feel happy about it all. I want to say, “Well you got what you deserved,” but did I? Did I deserve it too? I believed you. I missed out on having you in my life even as a friend. I missed your larger-than-life personality. I missed you. And that sucks.

I never realized how fast fourteen and a half years could go by.

Forlornly yours,

Darling

………………………………………………………………………………………..

My Dear Sad Darling

I was not sure that there was an “us” anymore my sweet. The space that “we” occupied had become empty. That is not an excuse just an observation. I could have easily found out, I just didn’t.

Proximity may have played a part, but I think availability was the critical factor. I can honestly say that I did not pursue, woo or in any way try to attract “her.”  She quite literally threw herself at me.

I was devastated by what I had done. I was no longer worthy of you or your love. Yes I tried to turn her into you. There was not a chance that would happen. She was not you. I was just lying to myself and trying to distract myself from the reality of my awful deed. You could never be replaced. I knew that. I knew there would never be another you, so I didn’t really care who I was with. They would always run a very poor second.

Having said all that, after it all went pear shaped my desire for affection, to feel love, to give love, to share love, became almost ghost like. You have made much of my many previous partners, my tally has barely been added to. This has occurred for a variety of reasons, not least however by the fact that I barely tried to engage.

Yes I threw away 14 plus years of us, both as friends and lovers. I can’t give those back to either of us, despite it being my most fervent wish. I want to cry out that we should make the most of now and the future. You however are not a point to embrace that for reasons that are self evident. If and when you are, I will be here. I like to think that I learn from my mistakes.

Devotedly Yours

From Sir With Love

©2013 Darling and Sir

I Believed You

Poem referenced in the letter “In The Blink of an Eye.”

There wasn’t a white horse
But you brought a glass shoe
Fluffy clouds, stars, and dreams
And I believed you

Didn’t need shining armor
Fairy dust – a pinch or two
High-priced colored glasses
And I believed you

The sun and moon were aligned
You played a love song
I thought I could believe you
I found out I was wrong

By Darling ©2013 TSL

Uncovered

Darling’s poem she wrote for Sir not long after leaving Australia.

.

Deep inside my heart is a place that I thought was lost

I hid it, because it was more than I wanted to bear

I didn’t understand the price I paid, nor did I count the cost

I thought I was alone; no one to share

I didn’t realize the vital, missing piece

Was a part of me that couldn’t be duplicated or replaced

Neglecting myself was leaving me damaged and incomplete

A small but significant void – an an empty space

A hand reached out and helped me off the ground

I stood once again and wondered how you knew

Uncovered – that hidden place was found

You gave me back myself –  from somewhere inside of you

.

By Darling ©2013 TSL

Smile For Me

Written by Darling for Sir. She always says to him “smile for me.”

.

Smile for me

Because I can feel it

In my soul

.

It permeates my soul

And fills my whole being

With warmth

.

Your warmth comforts me

And embraces me completely

In you

.

You are so beautiful

And very real

So smile for me

.

By Darling ©2013 TSL

Pathetic Excuse

Hello My Darling

 

I have attached below a copy of the letter I sent you three days after you found me. It was my attempt not to justify or excuse myself from what I did, but to try and explain the mindset that I inhabited at the time. I have left it essentially untouched, the names have been removed and one profanity modified. Apart from those changes I have reproduced it in its entirety.

 

You Will Always Be My Darling

From Sir With Love

 

 

My Darling

 

I owe you an explanation, and as unsatisfying as I think you’ll find it, here it is. You will have noticed that yet again I have taken the cowards option and I’m putting it in writing. There seems to be a bit of a habit forming here.

Let me address your most recent poem (Purge). I can’t argue with it because actions speak louder than words and my actions clearly shouted themselves from the rooftops. As you concluded I think we did deserve one another and the outcome we attained. But while I explained it to my future wife as winning and losing it was never how I saw things, just how I knew she would see them.

If I could have that awful conversation with you over again, I would confess my sins, beg your forgiveness and accept the consequences, whatever they may have been. At least I would be able to look myself in the mirror and not see the bastard that I am. Instead I was too proud and duplicitous, all the while wilfully lying to myself about what was really going on. I let the best thing that ever happened to me, and quite frankly the best thing that ever will, slip away through my fingers due entirely to my own stupidity. You are the gold standard that I have measured any would be partner by; no one has even come close.

You made me a better person, I could be the man I wanted to be with you and most importantly I could be the man you deserved. When you were in my life I was blinded to the world and could only see you. I have no one to blame but myself.  Anyway, here’s what I remember. I am sure if I ever hear from you again it will be to correct the facts (I will admit I can’t remember them exactly) but I vividly remember the raw emotion of that time.

We spoke on the phone as we always did, we talked about being together. We talked about what we had to do to make that happen. Then something changed, you said something to me that rocked my world. I can remember a wave of dread and loss washing over me. I was literally grateful for the fact that I was lying down because I felt like I had been hit with a tonne of bricks. I remember putting on a brave face and pretending it was all ok while inside my heart was breaking. There so many things in the mix, your parents, your children, your church. By the end of the conversation it was my understanding that you wanted to be entirely sure that you were committed to the big changes we were about to make. I am not blaming you for any of this. It was just how I interpreted what was said. For some insanely stupid reason we agreed to drastically reduce our contact. Looking back at it now any moron could see that stopping communications was the dumbest thing we could do. What a fuckwit I was for thinking that idea would work.

I hung up the phone and bawled like a little baby. We stopped calling one another. I would see you in chat; stick around for a few polite minutes then leave. It ate away at me. I was slowly dying on the inside. I had lost the centre of my world and she didn’t even know it. Now the intelligent thing to do right then would have been to pick up the phone and tell you how I was feeling, let you reassure me, talk it through. But I had deluded myself that I had to leave you alone so as not to poison your decision making (how fucking stupid and lame that looks on the written page!). I was riddled with emotion, love, passion, anguish, pain, loss, confusion, depression; words can’t begin to describe how I was feeling. All the while you were blissfully unaware. I was desolate.

Now I had rebuffed my future wife on numerous occasions, I’d never given her even the slightest consideration; I’d never even had to think about it, she was just not on my radar. I continued to rebuff her but my suffering knew no end. I needed to know what was going on; I needed some kind of resolution. Again looking at it now why I just didn’t pick up the phone I will never be able to properly say. What I can say is that I was distraught and looking for a way out. I took the coward’s way. I hit self destruct and took comfort from her. In my deluded way at least I would have an answer, even if it wasn’t the decision I was looking for. Where was the smart guy then? He had become an irrational fool and left the building.

There is no way she wouldn’t have known how I felt about you. She was just there and did what she did. God knows what lies I told myself to make me believe it was real. I knowingly projected all my hopes and dreams for us on to her. She turned out to be not even a poor facsimile. I relived our time together through her, it didn’t even come close. You have already heard me talk about the wedding as if you needed that point illustrated, but let me give you another. I remember on one of our many long and loving conversations we talked about me not having a driver’s license. I remember saying well I will have to go get one and you making some suitable smart arse comment mocking me. But I also clearly remember stating that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened to you or your kids and I couldn’t help because I couldn’t drive. I distinctly remembering deciding right there and then that I was going to get my license, so that’s what I did. I hadn’t thought about that for years but it all came flooding back to me when I was speaking to you from my car today.

We recently talked about me following what little of your life I could find on line, hoping you were happy and me living vicariously through that happiness. Well I was living the dreams I had for us vicariously through her. What a cluster fuck that was. There was only ever one and it was never her, it was you.

So there you have it, I married the wrong woman because I couldn’t control my anguish at the possibility of losing you. I was, and probably still am, an emotional retard that had an easy answer within his reach and totally failed to see it was there. I destroyed your life, my own life and probably even some of her life (but for a multitude of reasons I find it hard to show her much empathy).

I know it’s not much of an explanation and it probably doesn’t give you the answers you are looking for. You will be able to pick it to pieces (and rightly so) but it’s as I remember it. The facts have become blurry but the emotions are still as raw as they were at the time.

Thank you for tracking me down, once again I was the coward. There is no way however I could have intruded into your life after what I had done. I could only ever be invited back in and can’t thank you enough for extending that invitation. It has given me the chance to hear your laughter, share some of the joy, along with some of the tears (even though I was responsible for many of them). If reading this incites your rage and hatred, and anger starts to consume you I get it, I deserve nothing less. If I never hear from you again you have given me the chance to get some closure, which is more than I thought I would ever have and certainly more than I am entitled to. I wish you every happiness for your future my darling, I hope you and your children live a long, fulfilling, prosperous and healthy lives.

 

Sir

©2013 Darling and Sir

Wondering

A poem by Darling expressing her innermost thoughts as she ponders the whereabouts of Sir. Written in July 2013.

 

It’s been nearly fifteen years

I have cracked open the door

Of memories that I shut long ago

.

I feel like I can breathe again

My heart is no longer constricted

And I don’t have to tip toe

.

And I wonder how you are

And if you’ve found happiness

And if you think of me

.

Do your eyes still glow

When you tell a joke

Do you continue to dream

.

Do you see places we’ve been

Remembering with a smile

Or do you still ache

.

Are you curious about the ‘what-ifs’

Or have times of regret

Thinking it was all a mistake

.

I’m wondering.

.

By Darling ©2013 TSL

Introduction

Dear Sir,

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

While I do not profess to be Mrs. Browning, I feel the essential need to pen my thoughts and feelings to you in these letters. The words may not be eloquent, but they are most definitely from my heart and soul. You know how I feel, and I hope that my words will do their utmost to portray that feeling in the written form.

First know that I love you truly and unconditionally. These intense feelings have never changed since the day we met despite a lot of heartache. Let me apologize in advance for any words I may write that may cause you distress  and hurt, but I will always be candid; I will never be dishonest with you.

Sometimes I may seem disjointed, but that is a testament to how I feel because it isn’t always easy to define the depth and intensity of those feelings. Mere words on a page seem paltry at times, but they serve a modicum of purpose in expressing my love.

I am not even certain that you’ll ever see these letters, but I suspect I might share them  with you at some point. You are a soul mate and kindred spirit. I adore you.

I love you always

Yours most ardently,

Darling

——————————————————————————————————————–

My Darling

It is so humble of you to quote Elizabeth Barrett Browning. You and I both know that you have written your own exquisite poetry and I trust that we may see it grace these pages as this tale unfolds.  Your words are a thing of beauty and I treasure every syllable.

You write of unconditional love and my heart is warmed. I know that love and feel it too. I know the heartache and hurt of which you speak all too well. Much of it I have caused so anything that you feel may be a little too barbed for my allegedly tender ears I entreat you to just let loose. One of your many compelling strengths is your honesty. For you to temper it now would be a crime, especially if its only purpose was to spare my feelings.

When you found me after my years in the wilderness, I was afraid. The feelings that I had shoved down, fought against and ignored came rushing back. I was too much a coward to express them initially. I felt manifestly unworthy, and still do. That however changes nothing. I am unashamedly, unabashedly and unconditionally in love with you my darling. I have waited a long time to tell you again and I fear it will be at least another two decades before the novelty even begins to wear thin.

I see how complete our re connection is. You say that you may share these letters at some point, but you are three entries into our story (if I may call it that?) and already they blink at me innocently from my own computer screen. To make contact again has been astonishing, to be able to tell you how I feel again after all these years has been a blessed release but to have those feelings reciprocated, well I am speechless.

 

You Will Always Be My Darling

From Sir With Love

 

©2013 Darling and Sir