When I first met you, I was not in a good place. My safety net had torn. I didn’t know who I was any more. I was hurting and struggling in every aspect of my life.
I was grieving very deeply over the loss of a close family member. My head and heart were still dealing with that as well as some atrocities that happened to another innocent person in my life. What was once strong was crumbling and tumbling down around my head. I was barely hanging on. The only time I felt unburdened was when I could escape to chat and forget for a short time. I’ll admit it wasn’t the healthiest way to cope, but it was a brief reprieve before returning to my painful reality.
I found you. I began to trust you, and little by little I shared my life with you. Granted I shared it in bits and pieces as to not overwhelm you. I suppose I was testing you in a way; consequently, I wanted to know what you could handle. I was waiting for you to run the other way. You never did though. You stood strong.
I confided in you some very raw parts of me about my past and my present. Neither of them painted a pretty picture. At the risk of sounding macabre, most people couldn’t imagine my trials much less go through them. I didn’t act or consider myself a victim even though I felt so alone. I had family, yes, but at that time they were part of the problem. I didn’t generally confide in people, but I found such an empathetic, listening ear in you – a partner. My cup runneth over and you willingly shared my burdens.
Then at the pinnacle of our relationship the stability, I thought I found in you, was taken suddenly from me. It was taken by the very person who lifted me up – you. I figured my burdens were too heavy for you to handle, and you bolted. I couldn’t understand what I did wrong. I felt foolish. I had been abandoned and discarded with very little value.
I broke. I was nothing. I wanted to believe that you didn’t deserve me, but I didn’t really believe it. You obviously wanted someone better. Why in the hell did you throw me away? Throw us away? Throw it all away?
I found a modicum of strength to survive for two little ones that deserved better than I could give, because I couldn’t admit defeat. Not to them.
In writing this, I feel so much pent up and forgotten resentment and anger. It’s an unfocused emotion that, if left unrestrained, has the potential to send me into a downward spiral. I won’t go there.
How could I have been so wrong about us? How could you?
My Dear Darling
How awful it must have been for you to pen those words. I remember your raw, brittle pain all too well from that time as you tried to come to terms with your terrible loss. I know there are some dark moments to come but before we go there I must say your distress seemed obvious to me. Yes you put on a brave face, but to begin with I was truly perplexed that no else in our room seemed to notice or care. My heart reached out to you. I did nothing more than offer you my ear and my time. Both of which I would give gladly and unthinkingly again.
It is interesting to hear you choose the word “testing.” It never felt like a test but I know you were incredibly wary about letting your guard down. I think the test was for both of us, me to see if I would cut and run and you to see if you could even speak of the matters that troubled your soul. I just let you patiently find your own way and that really was what you needed. All I ever did was offer a ready ear and some words of encouragement. I know you broached then discussed at length some incredibly intense and hurtful subjects. It is not my way to judge someone by their words alone, actions I find to be a far better indicator of a person’s strengths and weaknesses. That means very little of course as you were the recipient (I chose not to use the word victim out of respect for your inner strength) and not the perpetrator. Hence when in our future when my own actions fell so far short as to be reprehensible, I had no choice but to find my own self wanting, very wanting.
Yes you are right our relationship was stable. It was also loving, honest, trusting and respectful. I threw away all of those things. Yes I bolted, but it was not from you. My Darling in my eyes you were and still are perfection in a partner. I have no intentions of listing those perfections because that would be just puerile. We fitted so beautifully together, comedically, emotionally, intellectually, physically and even spiritually. That was the perfection. As you say I bolted, but from what I bolted was never you; it could never be you. I bolted from my own shortcomings, my own failings, my own inadequacies. I was not worthy to be part of your life. After I had betrayed your trust and cheated with another I knew I was woefully unsuitable to be your life partner. I would never be the man you thought I was. You deserved so much better than me and you deserved nothing of what I did to you, to us.
To hear you say that I broke you, claws at my heart. I thought I left in a way that would assure you that I alone would assume all the blame. To hear you describe yourself as having “very little value” is a body blow to me and just makes me feel far more wretched than I already do. I can say unequivocally that “throwing you away,” as you so painfully describe it, was the single worst decision I have ever made in my life. A life I might add where I went on to make a number of particularly poor decisions in the years to come.
I have attempted to explain my mindset when I ended us in that awful letter I emailed you. The words are woefully inadequate. I will reread that painful document and see if it is fit for publication here. The crux though is true. It is not an excuse nor for that matter even close to an acceptable explanation. You had gone temporarily from my life, for reasons upon which we had both agreed. I thought I was strong enough to deal with the silence. I was manifestly wrong on that front. Not only could I not deal with the silence but I had lost the one person who would have helped me through it. I needed to pick up the phone and call you. You would have put salve on my worries, I would have felt your love, and you would have calmed my inner demons. I was too proud, too stupid and too arrogant. Then when I could no longer cope I did what I did. You were never wrong my Darling. It was I who made the most grievous error.
You Will Always Be My Darling (though I no longer have the right to say it)
From Sir (a man who has fallen so far below the level required to hold such a lofty title), on bended knee, begging your forgiveness for the wrongs he has done you. However unworthy he may be he is still very much in love with you.
©2013 Darling and Sir