My Dearest Darling
As you are no doubt most painfully aware I went on to marry the woman whom I abandoned you for. It turned out to be an unmitigated disaster. My divorce was as acrimonious as you could make it. I was the recipient of a number of physical threats from people I believe to be family and friends of my ex wife.
While all of this was happening I was forced to wind up a business that had my ex wife as a director as I was not in a position to buy her out. I had left my chosen field some years earlier so could not easily return to it at the same level at which I departed. For a small period, while settling up the affairs of my failed marriage, I looked to be without a home or a job. Now I don’t want to make that sound overly dramatic. I was not going to be homeless or unemployed. I was just left with a little time to kill before I could move on with my life. I decided that I would spend six weeks with my aging mother.
Well we both know that six weeks turned into six years. I reorganised my life to care for her. It was not really until her death, four days shy of her 90th birthday, that I was able to give serious consideration to what I would now do with my own life. I was now living in a modest country town. What were once vineyards and dairy farms are now coal mines and power generating plants. I no longer had a business and any semblance of a career was now in shreds. I had taken work well below my station, as it was the only available where I now resided, and I was many hours away from a substantial urban centre where I could hope to re-establish my life.
My mother had left a small inheritance and so I decided that I would use that money to strike out in a new direction, even if it was an old familiar path. I decided to try and establish, once more, a career in music. It was something I had always enjoyed but, for reasons that were never really clear to me, I had given it up to pursue seemingly more lofty goals. I have never had delusions of rock stardom, or classical grandeur. I am at my happiest just playing the piano, in a convivial room, surrounded by the vibe of dynamic people all having a great time.
With that in mind and with the need to drag myself kicking and screaming into the 21st century I went into a recording studio to play some demo tracks. I also engaged a professional videographer to shoot some footage allowing me to put together a number of professional film clips by way of introduction to my services. So in late December of 2012, I recorded eight tracks of me playing various styles of piano music. In mid January of 2013, I shot the video. Then not long after I had my show reels and anyone with an internet connection could find me.
Why am I telling you all of this? Well after my withdrawal from the world I had made myself quite difficult to find. I knew that I would have to remove the veil so to speak. I was putting myself out there for the entire world to see. I consoled myself with one quite simple fact, Darling can now find me. I know it sounds ridiculous. We had not spoken in close to 14 years. But even after all that time I was still thinking of you.
The story is now yours to tell. I do have to say however that the time and money I spent producing those tracks and those videos were the best I’ve ever spent in my life. Why? Because without them you may never have found me. I love you my Darling. I always have. Thank you. Thank you for your forgiveness, your understanding and most of all your love. But thank you also for still searching after all of these years and for having the courage to send that first text message which has drawn us so inextricably together once more.
You Will Always Be My Darling
From Sir With Love
My Sweet Sir,
Sometimes I cannot wrap my head around the belief that you still thought of me, since you were the one who ended everything. It’s not that I don’t believe what you say – of course I do – it’s just that I had believed the opposite for so long that I don’t know how to change my thought process. I suppose it will take time.
I felt (and still feel) anger and sadness in knowing that you gave up playing the piano for such a long time because of your unhappiness. You told me that your ex wife used to present you like a show pony, and that it turned you off to play. That makes me ill. What a waste of a beautiful talent; consequently, I am ecstatic that you’ve resumed your playing. The world deserves to hear your gift. The fact that your published your videos on the web with even the slightest thought that I could possibly find you – astounds me completely.
I know I had sporadic thoughts of you over the years, but they were so painful I didn’t dwell on them. If memory serves, during our last phone call I believe you informed me that you had moved. You didn’t offer your new contact information, nor did I ask for it. Your purposeful intent didn’t go unnoticed; you didn’t want me to have it. I had my pride.
I know I put your name in an online search engine in the past 2 or so years, but I didn’t look very deeply. I was too scared to, so it was just a superficial, cursory search. Even if by chance I had found you, I do not believe that I would have acted upon it at the time.
I briefly mentioned in the letter Vicariously Yours, the path that led me to you. I will quote from it now:I found you quite unexpectedly. I sat and stared at the web page not daring to believe it was really you; it was my Sir (although I would never have dared to address you as my Sir). I found videos of you playing the piano. My heart constricted and held tight. I couldn’t breathe. I clicked play and was instantly transported to years gone by. I replayed it over and over again. I searched your face. I drank in your hands and your fingers. I stared at your hair remembering how it lay against your neck. I didn’t know how to feel or think. I didn’t know what to say or do. I kept any real emotions under strict lock and key. I felt a myriad of sensations -a vortex that spun my world around and kicked my feet out from under me. Then I found those numbers. They mocked me from the page. There was a way to contact you! Was it really that simple? In today’s world I could text you. Did I want to? I was so confused. I purposely did not react for days. After the reality set it, I concluded that I wasn’t scared to contact you anymore. I had disassociated from that emotion. Once I realized and accepted that schism, I was ready.
So my dear Sir, you stated you felt that organizing and producing those videos were worth it, because they made it possible for me to locate you. Your instinct was spot on. I can never fully express how seeing you made me feel. I know relief was one of the bigger emotions.
Here we are taking it one day at a time. Hold my hand, Sir, hold my hand.
©2013 Darling and Sir
Short clips of Sir’s piano videos will be posted on Christmas Day (United States time)!