Sleeping Beauty

My Exhausted Darling

You found me in September of 2013. Less than a month later you were in Salt Lake City for a conference. It really messed with our schedule.

Here in the land of Oz we get to speak quite late at night. Back then I think you were getting out of bed a little after 6.00am which was 10.00pm my time. So we would sneak a few moments on the phone together. Then after you’d readied yourself for the day we would speak again on your way to work. Midnight would see me put my head down, I’d sleep through the night, and wake up about the time when your work was finished. This time was the best. If we both managed to have clear schedules we could speak for six hours non stop. Let’s be honest here my love, we have done that on a number of occasions.

Now daylight saving has kicked in and your 6.00am is now my midnight, so we talk a little less. At about the commencement of the changed hours you drove, with your colleagues, over six hours to Salt Lake City for a conference. Now I know about the conferences that I have attended. I’m guessing yours may not be quite the party fests that I am used to. However I assumed we would get to have some time together. How wrong I was. Every moment of your day was micro managed. It was either spent in studious lecture halls, then maybe an organised dinner. You might be taking part in some team building exercise like watching a basketball match or viewing a film. Suffice it to say we hardly spoke for the five days you were away. I loathed it. If I had my wits about me I would have hopped a plain to Salt Lake City and subverted the entire process in person.

There was however one night I distinctly remember. You had gotten back to your hotel room late, again. You’d showered then climbed into bed; I was laying on my lounge. We started to talk. I could tell you were tired. I tried to let you go but you insisted that you could stay awake and speak with me. Well the warmth of that bed, the late hour, and my obviously dull conversational skills all contributed to you falling asleep.

I knew you were slumbering as your breaths became deeper, slower, and more even. I’m not sure if this is impolite, but we might even consider there being a gentle, almost silent snore going on? I lay on my lounge with the phone to my ear and listened to you sleeping. I felt a real sense of contentment. After about 30 minutes I told you I loved you and severed the connection. You didn’t remember and it wasn’t until you returned home that I informed you it had even occurred.

Goodnight My Darling, I Love You

From Sir With Love

Golden Alarm Clock

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My Dear Unruffled Sir,

It was difficult to go to a week-long conference so soon after we started communicating again. We had years of catching up to do, and the conference was taking up precious time. I know it’s silly, but that’s how I felt.

I felt compelled to talk to you. I wanted and needed to talk to you. A great deal of time had already passed without you in my life, and I didn’t want to miss any more of it because of a mere conference. Alas, I still had my duties to perform; such is life.

I had a good time with colleagues. This much is true. We even went to a Utah Jazz basketball game, and they actually won. Consequently, I told you I was their good luck charm. You were quick to agree. Ha.  We also went out to eat at some spectacular restaurants and wandered through beautiful City Creek Center.

The highlight of my day, however, was to go back to my hotel room, take a hot shower, crawl into bed, and phone you. We spoke until I couldn’t stay awake any longer. It fits in with my personality that I fought against the Sandman to try and talk to you as long as possible. I am aghast that I fell asleep while on the phone with you.  I find it so heartwarmingly tender that you stayed on the phone and listened to me sleep (even if you like to pretend that I snored).

I remember watching you sleep in person as you lay next to me in bed. I was always temped to plug your nose, and after your snoring announcement I wish I did.

I love you my sweet Sir – always.

Naughtily yours,

Darling

©2014 Darling and Sir

Dare I Hope

Hello My Darling

One of your many gifts is your poetry. My heart swelled with pride when, after fourteen and a half years, I got to hear about the awards you had won and the journals that had published your work. I am many things but one thing I am not is a poet. I lack your skill for succinct brevity. I therefore really don’t know why I decided to jump right in to the depths of these waters, familiar to you but treacherous to me. I don’t write poetry. The last time I even attempted it would have been in high school. I have contributed to the lyrics of a number of songs but they were nothing more than a series of rhyming couplets.

When you restabilised contact I penned you these verses. It was probably triggered by my reading of your own excellent work. No doubt there was a level of conceit thinking that I could mimic your efforts. I am a little frightened to even put this out there as I feel it unworthy by comparison. But here it is. The piece I wrote for you. I can see its weaknesses, its inconsistencies and its structural flaws. Please forgive me all of those things. I hope you can see the heartache and the love.

You Will Always Be My Darling

From Sir With Love

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It was a bright, autumnal Utah day

A girl, a woman, a lady

Walked into a room

Into my life

Her spirit, indomitable

Her self confidence, unbreakable

Her wit, unassailable

.

But beneath her carefully coiffed façade

For those who cared to look, dared to look

She was hurting, grief struck, broken……..almost

Her outer shell was but flaking lacquer

Brittle, turning at the edges

In the harsh Utahan sun

.

I turned my head and offered up a gentle smile

Then closed my hand on hers,

Why? Just because

She looked up somewhat startled

She thought to raise her ire

Quick as a flash she changed her mind

A smile, then on with the show

.

Her hand, well I can feel it still

It radiated warmth

But through it I could sense her grief

Her incomprehension, her loss

I knew no salve to heal such ill

So I offered up my ear and listened

Then talked, and listened more

.

The days turned to weeks

The weeks into a year

The room could not contain us

No telephone line long enough

Two cities were but inconvenient

Two states, a mere annoyance

Then two continents, one big ocean

Almost enough, but hardly

She sang, she soared she radiated goodness, beauty, light

I basked in her glory, her adoration, her splendour

.

I could not get enough

We bonded on all levels

First comedically, then intellectually

Emotionally, even spiritually

Then at last

And with passion not known before or since

Physically

.

She was healed now

Not better, certainly stronger, and just a little different.

She had the strength to make some plans

She held my antipodean hand and told me she was mine

I cried with joy

I sang and shouted

Oblivious of the pain to come

The pain that I would cause

.

Then…….the room was empty

The telephone line was silent

An artificial construct came between us

I thrashed, I wailed, I fought with all my might

I thought I could control it

How wrong was I?

I took a wrecking ball and across the ocean I did hurl it

She never saw it coming

I broke the thing I loved the most……almost

.

I brought the circus with a side show to my town

I the ringmaster in my own demise

The clowns did not distract me

But the witches cast a wicked spell

I succumbed to weakness, vile and petty

Deluded, ignorant, shrill

While an ocean away

The creature that I adored most

I loved her as I have loved no other

I still do

Lay battered, bleeding, bruised

Broken…..almost

.

For fourteen years I walked the wilderness

Taking comfort where I could

False prophets everywhere

They took my goods and chattels

The last vestige of my dignity, my self belief, gone

The sign posts were forlorn reminders

Flagging careless actions of a wasted life

Sadness, loss, remorse, regret

They led the way

They were my dim, dull, dark light

.

Then a hand reached out

She thought jaded, I thought pure

She turned her head and gave a gentle smile

And covered mine with hers

I was startled, manic, frightened

She calmed my nerves, dispelled my fears

Gave me a love I did not deserve

.

I had hurt her, it was clear to see

But her pure heart, still sought to heal me

Her great tormentor lay distraught

A shell, a shadow, an echo of his former self

I looked at her with fear and amazement

“How could I have let such a thing of beauty ever leave my sight?

How could I have been so blind to what I had?

How could I have hurt this precious creature?”

Who even after all the heartbreak and the pain

Could find it in her heart to love me still

Want to heal me

Make me whole again

.

Well I am hers now

But….will she ever be mine?

A man, flawed but always there

A man who waited

A man that I was better than, or so I thought

Had held her hand, then carried her on his shoulders

As she traversed the desolation

That had been my parting gift to her

.

Today we travel on a new road

An unchartered path

I try to explain

Then she heals me just a little more

And I hope in my small way

I heal her a little too

I am brave enough to look once more

Into her deep brown eyes

I search to find the hatred, revenge, disgust that must be there

Sure I see the hurt, but there is forgiveness

Even love

Will I ever see her trust again?

Will my betrayal ever be washed away?

It’s more than I deserve, but still……..

.

For fourteen years I carried a flame

Naked and pure for a woman I so wantonly destroyed

Will there be forgiveness? Yes

Reconciliation? Yes

Happiness, Laughter, Joy?

Yes, yes, yes

Will there even be love?

It amazes me still but I think the answer to be ……. yes

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But…….Will I ever see her smile at me again?

Will I ever hold her hand again?

Or even better hold her in my loving arms

Will she lie beside me as I sleep?

Cover me when I am cold

Care for me when I am ill

.

Will I ever get to gaze upon her beautiful eyes once more?

Will she get to hear me whisper “I love you” in her ear?

I fear not, my time has passed

That pain it is now friend

I of course know that truth

It is both just and fair

.

But I wouldn’t be a man at all

If when it’s dark, when it’s cold and when I’m lonely

When I hear the siren song of the demons in my head

When they call to me

Calling out my long list of ills

The list that is my very torment

How could I not?

Why should I not?

Have one last deluded dream

That one day, one day

She will once more say she will be mine

Dare I hope………………………?

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By Sir © 2013 TSL