An Epistle of Hate and Hurt

Dear Sir,

We both know the sacrifices I had to take in order for me to fly to meet you, to be with you, to love you, and to further our relationship. I had to face all my failures as a wife, mother, daughter, and woman. I was fractured. It was a massive leap of faith and an exercise in pure trust. The largest I had ever undertaken in my life. You were worth it. We were worth it. Love was worth it.

I will never forget the day you made me realize, in all its painful glory, how replaceable I was. How does a person tear down another so thoroughly – especially one they professed to love and cherish and want to be with for the rest of their life? You not only did that to me, but you did it so completely I became self-destructive for years. I was swept under the rug on which you thoroughly stomped and wiped your feet.

You threw it all back into my face. You were not the man I knew. You were not my Sir. You were mean and final. There was no love or warmth in your voice the last time we spoke, at least in my mind. You were telling me you had moved on. You were no longer willing or wanting to wait. You blind sided me. Your beautiful voice was acid to my ears. My world stopped. My heart froze. I felt dead.

Then I heard her. She was there! What kind of cold-hearted snake calls to dump someone with their newest fling in the room? (And Lord knows you’ve had more than your fair share.) You couldn’t even give me the courtesy of disposing of me in private like a man. You turned it into a twisted ménage à trois. You wanted or needed an audience for your grand finale. Bravo.

You informed me that you told her she had “won.” I was aghast. I didn’t even know I was in a competition. Love wasn’t a sick game to me. You two were disgusting. You were no prize. How conceited was your thinking? You were a wolf who finally took off your sheep’s clothing.

After hearing her venomous voice, I don’t recall anything that was said before or after. We discussed recently that you believe I just quietly hung up the phone without saying goodbye. I would have done that. I wouldn’t have wanted you to hear me cry or react. I would have tried to leave with my pride intact. It didn’t work. My fractures instantly shattered.

Immediately after that phone call, I began to doubt myself. What was so inherently flawed about me that made you toss me aside for some women you claimed held no attraction? It couldn’t just be about sex, could it? How shallow. How carnal. How sick and wrong. How soon after me did you fall into her to find solace in your so-called misery? You even made certain to tell me how much I had cost you on a monetary level. What a gentleman to compare me to a high-priced call girl. I was akin to a whore. I hope you earned every penny. What a horrible stain on something I thought was so beautiful. Where did it all go wrong? I was duped by a deviant. Well played Sir.

That was it. Our time was over. Camelot defiled. The end. There was nothing left to say. I became a shadow of my former self. For years I disassociated you. I was afraid to feel. I blocked out nearly everything about you especially your golden eyes. (How humbling it was to have to ask you their color years later.) What was once so special and pure became an acrid stench that I couldn’t rid myself of no matter how many times I tried to eliminate it from my senses and memory.

I loved you. No, I hated you. I wanted you. I missed you. I despised you. I didn’t trust myself. I believed you both were mocking me and laughing at my expense. You allowed her to be part of my humiliation and pain in that fateful day with that lethal phone call. I was your sacrificial lamb and you handed her the sharpened knife. I saluted your fortitude. I was another notch on your infamous bedpost. A number. A body. No one worth investing in. I didn’t know you. Did I ever? I was torn in two. One minute I wished you would be hurt as badly as you hurt me, then the next minute I wept knowing I didn’t really mean it.

Over the years I trained myself to stop thinking about you. I had to stop binging then purging myself with memories of you – of us. You weren’t worth my tears. I had no idea what became of you. I wanted to pay you back every red cent you had wasted on me. I didn’t even search for you. I didn’t dare. I was not a martyr to fall prey to your cruelness again. Once was quite enough. I became safely ensconced and numb in a self preservation mode.

I wondered after your parents for the longest time. It was torture not knowing when your father passed. I assumed it was not long after I met him only to find out he lived another few years! He was a delight to me. Not knowing hurt. You took that from me. Then to find out that the woman of your black heart couldn’t be bothered with him and would callously wish he would die. Damn her. I will never forget him telling you how beautiful he thought I was and to never let me go. My laughter is quite hollow I assure you. I am also so incredibly saddened to hear that your mother has recently passed. Damn you.

They say there is a fine line between pleasure and pain. They were right – whoever they were. And I hated them too.

I was broken, and you were the bastard who was the crux of it all. It took years for me to rebuild my self worth. Fuck you, Sir. Fuck you. And fuck her too.

Devastatingly,

Darling

……………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Darling

I am sorry.

S

©2013 Darling and Sir

18 comments on “An Epistle of Hate and Hurt

    • My dear Megs,
      Hearts can heal and forgiveness is real in love.
      My best ~ Darling

      • I guess I am still to learn that. See, I’m 20 and I’ve never had a real boyfriend, unless you consider meeting guys online as a real relationship. I mean, I’ve had the heartache but I’m not sure I’ve experienced love…
        -Megs

        • Megs. Darling would tell you to run a country mile to avoid love on the internet. I however would tell you to embrace it in all its conflicted glory. What Darling and I had then was amazing. It wasn’t the internet the screwed it up; it was me. What we have now is equally amazing so don’t dismiss the online boyfriend. It will make it harder to do, you will have longer wait to find if its real and it will be more painful if it fails. That being said none of it is the fault of the virtual world. You never know, it may actually turn out to be truly great indeed. – Regards Sir.

    • Megs,

      I do not mean to advice, nor am I qualified, but am 31 and I experienced my first love 2 months ago. You are 20 and am sure some of your friends are in a relationship which may make you do things to make yourself ‘belong’ in the ‘up’ crowd. But online or otherwise if you could find a person who can complete your sentences, that I believe is a good start. One thing I have found with online rekationships is that, while you feel enamored when you exchange texts, out of sight may become out of mind. Which is why you may have to complete the experience by meeting the person. The6th sense is the most important, prevailing sense of all, but the other 5 needs some serious attention too….

      I am not sure if Sir and Darling would agree with me….

  1. Dear Ms.Darling,

    I feel your anger through the screen I use to read your words. I am almost goung through the same now, though she has never erred a bit. I loved this particular portion – One minute I wished you would be hurt as badly as you hurt me, then the next minute I wept knowing I didn’t really mean it.- exactly, i repeat for emphasis, exactly what i have been feeling on and off. But i love her too much to hate her….

    Again, i still do not know your full story, but i have made out most of it.

    • Hi BP

      I know this is addressed to Darling and I know she wants to reply but she has asked me to comment here first. I can’t say I am entirely sure why but I do know better than to argue with my Darling.

      You say you see anger here and you are right, but what I see is pain, pain and suffering. All of which I am responsible for. Darling has many qualities but one thing she has never been is vengeful. I have never felt or sensed any semblance of revenge. There has been no wrath, no fury. I am not surprised but I think I deserve a little. I tell her to embrace her emotions and not to hide them from me. I would tell you the same thing. I know the woman you love has forsaken you. You are still in contact. If you ever hope to be with her she has to be able to understand your truth. Don’t try and protect her or you may destroy yourself in the process. You can be angry and not hate, you don’t have to wallow in it but conversely you don’t have to deny it either.

      I will await Darling’s words with much anticipation.

      Regards
      Sir

      • Dear Sir,

        You just made my day. I was thinking about her in the morning today. She is visiting her dad in a SE Asian country. When we first met, she used to text me all the time and keep telling me about all small things happening. And then HE waltzed into her life. Lesser and lesser texts. Today I texted her to say I have figured something out, how to handle this situation. But I told her I will tell her when we meet again, which is going to be in a week and a half at her Dad’s hometown. But today, he has come to her. So she isn’t texting me anymore. I feel so jealous and so angry at the same time. I want to tell her everything I feel and at the same time I want to hold back as I do not wish to lose my current spot – a good friend. But your words give me confidence. Thanks for that.

        I am going through a multitude of emotions and I am not able to take my mind off her for one instant – one living instant, wakefulness and sleep alike.

        • My Friend

          The suggestion of sharing with her your truth is a high stakes gambit. It may not give you the outcome you desire but you will be able to hold your head high and look yourself in the mirror with respect. It is easy to think about and even commit acts of desperation at such times and that is why I would urge you to stay true to yourself. If she rejects you outright it will hurt like a bitch, you will wonder why you did it and if there was another way. In time you will realise that the loss is hers and she may even reach that conclusion herself. While I don’t believe she has lead you on she does still know how you feel about her. If she comes back to you it has to be because of the person that you are and not the person that you became to please her.

          I wish I had more than words to offer you. I wish you everything that you wish for yourself. I may be a continent away but I feel your anguish. I hope the wounds heal quickly and that they leave no scars.

          Regards
          Sir

          • Dear Sir,

            You are reading my mind -If she comes back to you it has to be because of the person that you are and not the person that you became to please her – this is exactly what i was thinking. Though I have told her I will learn surfing and climbing because she likes it, I realized that i may not truly enjoy it. That is why I thought beyond these “activities” she has to see the person in me that is in love with her and love me.At times I even tend to think I may be thinking all this only because she is with someone else, the competitive male in me. But I quickly recover my senses. And she already knows I love her. So there is nothing for me to tell her new in that respect. But I want to tell her about the pain I am going through, which she knows as well. But talking about it over and over again is going to make it stale for both of us and I understand that. Anyway if you had a chance to read my recent posts you would have realised that I am pushing myself to change for the better.Let me see where the road leads.

            But thanks again for taking time to talk to me about this. It means a lot.
            Regards,
            BP

          • BP,

            I am all for love. I love LOVE. This woman knows how you feel. The BEST thing you can do at this point is to move on. This is nothing personal, but I guarantee that there is some perverse pleasure (on either side) with you continuing to hold on to a pipe dream. Love her – yes, but it is an unrequited love and shall remain so unless she changes her mind. Perhaps I am only stating the obvious.

            Go out. Date. Find new friends. I feel that your love for her is pure. There is nothing wrong with it, but there is something wrong if you halt your life in any way, shape, or form. I think you should have a blog that is focused on you and you alone. Chart your journey as you change yourself for the better (not for her). Share your hopes, dreams, feelings, thoughts, but again, the focus should be you and your life. I may sound like a hypocrite, and I apologize. That is not my intent.

            Sir was quite willing (and told me so numerous times) to have an unrequited love for me. This was one of his rare daft times. It was just not acceptable to me. He is easy to love, and there is only one Sir in the world. But I appreciate your complimentary words; you are too kind. Sir and I will follow you on whatever path you choose.

            Good luck ~ always,

            Darling

          • Thanks Ms.Darling. You and Sir have really made a difference to my mindset the last few days. I never imagined that I could find someone who can understand me through comments on a blog! I guess I never imagined I would fall for a foreign person either. Things happen for a reason.

            I understand what you say, but my ego is not letting go. I need to overcome that. If she had only said that, I would have loved you but I am sorry it happened too late, I would have been too happy to be sad. But she said irritating stuff like, it is ok you will get over it, this is your first time etc which really infuriates me and I feel insulted. Again my ego.

      • And yes, Anger and Pain go hand in hand and often times we cannot tell which one is which. This is what I have come to understand.

        I am now at home for lunch to opened my blog to see if you folks, Darling, you or Megs had replied. I am feeling weird!

    • BP,
      I was angry yes, but I was also venting a lot of pent up hurt. My anger was unfocused. I felt ugly writing that missive. I have promised Sir that I would not hold back, and I kept my promise. Albeit it was difficult for me to write. It pains me to know my words hurt him.

      One knows it’s true love when one doesn’t wish hurt on the person who hurt/s them. I wish I could say that I’ve always handled things this maturely, but I am certain I have had my moments – including things that involves Sir. He knows my flaws; they are many. I just want Sir to be happy. I feel exquisite joy in finding him again. He has my heart.

      As per my full story, it is unraveling right before your very eyes.🙂

      My best ~ Darling

  2. Oh Darling,,
    Sir gave you so much pain, how have you found the strength to forgive and renew this love?
    You my dear are a angel and Sir you must never cause her such pain again, or I shall jump on a plane from Canada and break your knees.
    Much love my friends
    Overit,xoxo

    • Hi Overit

      Darling is wonderful, let there be no doubt about it. As for me causing her such pain again, if I do I will send you the ticket and hold steady while you kneecap me.

      Regards Sir

    • Overit,

      I am not an angel, trust me but I think you’re sweet for saying that. I have more flaws and faults than the average person I’m certain.

      I think the passing of so many years made it easy to forgive Sir at this point. I am not so sure that I would have been ready to communicate to Sir in the immediate years after we ended (and that pains me to admit that). I would not have trusted Sir; I didn’t even trust myself. I was in a very bad place, and I struggled for years.

      One thing that came to light in finding Sir again was that I have always loved him Always.And that love is unconditional. Know this – I scare Sir – and that’s how it should be.😉

      ~ Darling

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