Gag Me With a Raw Oyster

To hear Darling and Sir read their letters please click on the greetings.

Play Symbol - Small My Delectable Darling

Food played a massive part in your time here. One of your first and most memorable culinary adventures was your experience with oysters. Really in this case it should be singular and not plural, so from henceforth I shall refer to it as oyster. On your second day we rode a Sydney Harbour ferry to Watsons Bay. This is a fairly exclusive suburb populated by the well to do. It is also home to an iconic Sydney seafood restaurant named Doyles. It was here we dined, and where you had your first experience with the dreaded oyster.

I know I goaded you into eating one. I always order mine natural and just have some cracked pepper and fresh lemon with them. Normally when someone first tries oysters I suggest they have them cooked (not raw) either Kilpatrick or mornay is often the safest bet. I feel a little guilty knowing I ordered them natural for you. You no doubt had your dander up and I was responding in kind. The look of disgust on your face was priceless. Your desire to show no fear was a delight. Your attempt to eat one was simply magic. Your failure to do so was my personal triumph (does that read like an advertisement for MasterCard?) What I think I enjoyed the most though was your description. After your brave attempt to swallow ONE oyster, it still brings tears of laughter to my eyes. Your words: “It was like a reverse loogie!”

Deliciously Yours

From Sir With Love



Play Symbol - Small  My Dear Sly Sir,

I can actually hear your laughter ringing in my ears as I read your words. You, Sir, are evil incarnate. I had told you that I liked oyster soup, so I guess you assumed that I would like the raw, slimy version. There is a huge difference between the cooked versus the raw kind. I still think you had an ulterior motive, my love.

I distinctly recall you telling me to just try one, and if I didn’t like it you’d happily consume the rest. I think I just realized your ulterior motive. I remember looking at the platter in dismay and at the gelatinous globs of slime thinking, “You want me to swallow that?!” Then I glanced at your face, and I knew you would not best me. Even though your face was sincere and solemn, the twinkle in your eye was a dead give-a-way.

You demonstrated the correct way to slurp that sucker down. You lifted the shell to your lips and gobbled it in one swift movement. You made it look easy enough. I reached for a shell and you picked up your second one. I believe you said cheers, and we clinked the shells together. I followed suit and attempted to have my first raw oyster.

Words can never express the horror of that moment. I shudder to this very day remembering the feeling and texture of that lump of snot that got wedged in my throat. I started gagging and choking. I couldn’t get it up or down. In between your fits of laughter, you thumped me on the back in an effort to help me extricate that vile piece of mucous. I finally dislodged it from my mouth and spat it on the ground in disgust. A stray dog hurried over and lapped it up, adding to my revulsion. As you correctly stated, I announced to you that it felt like a reverse loogie!

You kindly offered to order me some other delicacy, but my appetite had vanished completely. I was suspicious at this point, knowing you’d order me something else just as nasty. In an attempt to quell your mirth and to wipe that shit-eating grin off your face, I remember telling you that I wouldn’t kiss a mouth that ate raw oysters. You just smiled and knew I was bluffing, because you leaned over and laid one on me right then and there.

Your kiss was nearly enough to make me forget this incident – nearly. You’re such a devil.

Innocently yours,


©2013 Darling and Sir


9 comments on “Gag Me With a Raw Oyster

  1. veronica vasquez says:

    LOVE the audio! Simply brilliant!

    • Thank you so much! This is our second reading of letters. The ‘Unquestionable’ letters were our first audio.
      We are planning on posting some of Sir’s piano pieces, as well as the debut of an original rhapsody he is currently composing.
      Fun stuff! Glad you enjoyed it.


  2. This post brought a smile to me. A real big smile. Thanks to the two of you again.

    And Ms.Darling sounds like a teenager now and I refuse to believe it is still her voice. I went back and played the other post just to compare. Either my mind is playing games on me because of the travel, or you folks are.

    Ms.Darling your audio this time seems to be more noisy than the previous one. It sounded crystal clear the last time.

    Sir, I love your Aussie accent. Something we get to hear only when Aussie cricketers give out interviews or when I watched Steve Irwin’s adventures. Thank you

    Confusedly Yours, 🙂
    P.S. Not even sure if ‘confusedly’ is a real word

    • Hi BP

      It is definitely Darling that you are hearing. I did amplify the seconding recording because I thought our initial one was a little faint. I also ran a noise filter over it just to clean it up a little, clearly you think it sounded worse so more work needs to be done. I would email you the original audio but I think I just deleted them. I will check with Darling and if she still has it I will send you an unedited copy..

      Thanks for the compliment on my accent BP. I am enjoying our Aussie cricketers whipping the English backsides at the moment. Looks like we are about to go 3 nil up in a five test series. Enjoying the destruction of the English at cricket is no doubt something we both have in common.


    • BP,

      I’m glad you liked this tale. It is indeed a true one. We still laugh about it to this day. I will never be able to live it down. Sir won’t allow it. (haha)

      I’m not sure what tricks you think are being played here. It is truly me and I also read the last reading. You listened to both audios, so you should be able to tell it’s the same person (again ME).

      I love Sir’s voice too, but not because of his accent. I just love his voice period.


    • Okay I went and listened to both audios (the one before Sir put it through a noise filter and the original). I admit that I barely hear a difference.
      I am not sure why you find it so hard to believe that it is indeed me reading my own letters. Oh well. When we do a third one, it’ll be me too.

      ~ Darling

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