Rueful Eve

Dear Sorrowful Sir,

On this recent Christmas Eve (early your Christmas morning), I fell apart on you while we were talking on the phone. A bit of old hurt cropped up and spewed forth due to something you were saying.  You were discussing your marriage. You had stated how bad the last couple of years of your marriage had been but specifically how your last year was really awful.  I questioned if any of it had been good. You responded that the first year you two were together you had been very physically intimate; in other words, you two had sex a lot. A. Lot.  I felt like you had slapped me.

I compared my first year after you, and that’s where we completely differed. I wasn’t physically intimate with anyone as I struggled to trust and feel again. I remarked that I guess that’s the difference between men and women. I shut down; you fucked around (pardon my language). I guess to a man a lot of sex makes something good.

I can’t even remember the first Christmas after you. You told me about yours in detail.

I am ashamed of this letter.

Remorsefully yours,

Darling

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

My Dear Upset Darling

What a Christmas phone call that was. We’ve discussed many things upon reconnecting, included in that has been a reasonably thorough dissection of my marriage.  I know you don’t take pleasure from my misery but you have asked the hard questions and I have tried to provide accurate answers.

Firstly I do remember that first Christmas without you. I remember meeting my future mother in law for the first time. She back handed me on the stomach and told me I could afford to lose a little of that. I vividly recall my barbed response and how it set the tone of our relationship (in good news however it showed her son in law and her future daughter in law that she could be stood up to and put in her place when she decided to be controlling and rude.) I also remember the awful gifts I received (a pair of boxer shorts with some other guy’s name on them and a cheap bottle of souvenir port that was clearly being re gifted.) These were both courtesy of my future mother in law as well. She hadn’t met me until that day but she had already decided that she wasn’t going to like me.

I am truly sorry that I took away your Christmas memories. That was never my intent and was clearly a by-product of my despicable behaviour.

In terms of the amount of sex I had with my ex wife I should point out that it was at your behest that I tried to quantify it. I didn’t gloat, I didn’t dwell on it and I certainly didn’t take any pleasure in telling you as I knew there would be hurt. I was however not going to lie to you about it. I have told you when we’ve talked and quite possibly elsewhere in this blog that I tried to turn her into you. It doesn’t bear repeating but that was an abject failure, doomed from the start. Yes I slept with her and no doubt at the relationship’s beginning we fornicated to our heart’s content. I did not however sleep around. I went from having one partner, you, to another partner, her. What galls me though is that you shut down and that I denied you the right to seek pleasure for yourself. Again my Darling I am truly sorry.

I don’t think these words will grant you any comfort but nor will I try to hide behind a veil of half truths or lies of omission. We did have a fabulous Christmas phone call later in the day and also again on your Christmas Day therefore I hope you can draw pleasure from those.

You have no need of remorse.

You Will Always Be My Darling

From Sir With Love

©2013 Darling and Sir

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34 comments on “Rueful Eve

  1. Sometimes we feel that sharing some information would make the other person feel that we have told them everything and thereby make us feel right. But maybe some degree of ignorance truly is bliss! I am not sure.

    In my part of the world, we categorize food into 6 different tastes. One of them is bitter. And our cuisine is the only one that vouches for preparing food that tastes absolutely bitter as well as it is good for health.

    I would like to draw parallels. In the Sir and Darling letters (ahem!), I think this falls under the bitter taste category. But all the same it was just as great. I have already tasted the sweet, sour and other varieties.

    Regards,
    BP

    • BP, Sir and I made a commitment to always be honest with each other. We’d rather do that and help each other through the hurt than have it bite us in the butts later and say “Why didn’t you just tell me?” That being said, I think there’s a whole lot of spicy tastes on The Sir Letters. Haha. As always, thank you for your kind words and perspective. ~ Darling

    • Oh and one other point BP, Sir was explaining how horrible the final year of his marriage was – how it was a farce with no intimacy at all. I wanted to be supportive, so I naturally wanted him to think on a time when they were happier and intimate. He just answered honestly and openly mentioning their first year together (before they were married). My mind just automatically thought, “How easy it was for him to forget me” and those sort of thoughts. Then I compared my first year to his. It’s a stupid thing to do, I know, but I’m too analytical for my own good. And when you mix emotions in with that?!? Yeah, not the best combination. 🙂 My best ~ Darling

      • Very true Ms.Darling. I guess even the most poignant of us succumb to raw emptions sometimes. That is what makes us human I believe. I am not sure how my comments came across, but I genuinely appreciate the openness in accepting anger when you feel it. Like I said I am not really sure which is better, to express it or hold it back. In any event people do only what they feel is right. Except for their own conscience there really isnt anything anything that control a person. Of course repentence comes much after, but again it is still in your own mind. So truly, it is us who controls all our thoughts and actions though we love to blame another 🙂 I am living the meaning of the above said.

        Beyond everything I believe, more than I believe in myself, that you two are two of the most amazing people I have come to know about in my life. So anything you say carrries a lot more meaning than all the philosophies in the world that I have read 🙂

      • Let me know if what I said above makes sense…My language is not half as good as yours 🙂 so am not sure if I conveyed my meaning right.

    • Hey BP

      Thanks for dropping by. I always enjoy reading what you have to say. I love your analogy here.

      Regards
      Sir

  2. Quinn says:

    The honesty is breathtaking — I wish I were so brave

    • Thank you Quinn. I’m guessing you haven’t read some previous letters where the honesty was even more painful and raw. I don’t think I could have written about those painful things without Sir encouraging me and telling me it needed to be done. Even though I was hurt, I had a hard time knowing my words would hurt him now. It’s quite an emotional roller coaster.

      Peace.
      ~ Darling

    • Hi Quinn

      Darling is the brave one. it is she who picked up the phone and texted me.

      Regards
      Sir

  3. Love the honesty and the letters more and more each time 💜 The truth is always better than withholding information, I’ve learned from numerous fuck ups; even if it hurts the other person. And of course us women usually over think things and can get upset easily 😏 Glad you both have such an open and honest relationship, only makes you stronger than most. Have a great day !

    -J

    • The problem is I hold back my feelings of hurt because I think I’m tough enough and Sir doesn’t need to hear my pain. I rationalize that it’s been a long time, so why am I hurting now?
      Sir isn’t fooled. I’ve never been good at hiding anything from Sir. He’s too observant for me to get away with hiding anything not too mention even after all these years he knows me well. It makes me cringe and squirm, and I daresay he finds much humor in it. Hell he laughs his arse off – confounded man.
      It goes both ways though. I don’t put up with his shit, that many have, because he disarms them with his charm. Again he guffaws loudly when I call him out. I give him an E for effort though because he never stops trying. He likes the sparring. I like him.

      ~Darling

      • Darling,

        I didnt forget about you. Between getting yelled at and watching movies I was unable to go on my phone and answer you back in a timely manner. Im sorry.

        I know what its like to hold back those feelings of hurt and I know my bf has too. We hide them inside rather than “bother” the other person.

        Its great when you know the person so well, that even without speaking you can tell how they are feeling and sort of whats going on in their head. 😌

        You both compliment eachother very well.

        -J

        • Hey no worries!

          Why are you getting yelled at? Have any duct tape handy?

          Sir has a way of uncovering the things I hide. He’s too astute for my own good. It’s not that I do it on purpose; it’s more habit and self preservation.

          Your kindness makes me smile.

          ~Darling

          • Something about me constantly being on my phone 😝 and unfortunately there is no duct tape handy lol

            I know the feeling. Dont they always know, maybe a sixth sense ?😊

            Glad to make you smile.

            Courtesy of
            -J

    • I need to point out that the reason it hurts now is because I buried the hurt and didn’t deal with it. I disassociated. So it’s fresh and real and it’s not easy.
      There are things Sir didn’t deal with either. We’re walking the path together. It is not something that can be rushed.

      ~Darling

  4. graceh13 says:

    *sighing *sighing… D, why do we feel exactly alike? And that conversation…:( Truth hurts! Transparency between two lovers are important to a successful relationship but sometimes it can be overbearing. What is most important D that after all, we can accept and will understand and that we will try to not be affected with the past. Oh, I’m rambling D, hope you did get what I want to say. 😀 *hugs for you ♡

    • Forgiving someone can be hard, but it’s worth it for both parties to heal and move on. The past will always be a part of whom we are, but we don’t have to let it rule us.
      Just don’t do what I did and disassociate and bury, although I’m not certain that it’s a choice. I surely didn’t choose to be that way.

      ~ Darling

  5. misssimplice says:

    I’m extremely young and naive, but I dream of a love like yours, I dream of a love that is mine, and I dream of a love that is true – even if it is brief, I want to be able to say that I felt it, a pure love.

    • Never give up on your dreams. You’ll find that love, but you have to be worthy of it when it happens or you’ll lose it.

      ~ Darling

    • Miss

      Being young and naïve has no bearing on the matter at all. A true and pure love will be exactly that, regardless of where you are or may think you are in your life.

      I hope you find what you are looking for.

      Regards
      Sir

      • misssimplice says:

        I’m not sure if I’m looking for it or just hoping to stumble upon it. If anything, I think I’m trying not to run away from it, like I have before. These things we call feelings, I am afraid of them – that’s why I prefer to ‘dream’ of a love that is true.

    • You should read my post then, truly love may not be all that great as it is hyped. Just kidding 😉

      • BP,

        In all honesty, I don’t think what you had was true love. I believe true love will always be reciprocated. Always.
        Maybe that’s just the romantic in me, but I just don’t see how true love can be anything else but being between two people. You had an unrequited love, yes, but that’s not my definition of true love.

        I’m sorry.
        Darling

        • Hello Ms.Darling,

          You love truly. Period. I guess you are right. Mine was unrequited. But I loved truly. Still do.

          So yeah, mine was not true love. I accept.

          I will have to stop feeling so righteous about myself.

          But just felt crushed when I read your words. Not your fault, takes someone to tell you about reality.

          Regards,
          BP

          • BP,

            I apologize. What I said is nothing more than my opinion. I certainly didn’t mean to hurt you. I believe you love/d her truly. Sadly, she didn’t feel the same, and for that I am very sorry.

            ~Darling

          • Hello Ms.Darling,

            Please do not apologize. I always trust you would have only good intentions. I respect you very much.

            I am right now at the airport taking a flight back home. I got a call around the time I posted the reply that something happened and hence am travelling urgently.

            Yet, I was playing through your words and mine and I wanted to clarify that I may have been too spontaneous to accept what you just said as I just got off the bad phone call at 5ish in the morning.

            True love can have many definitions. True love that is succeeds takes your definition. To me if you are able to love a person selflessly and unabatedly, then your love is pure and true. As long as you never wish for any inconvenience to happen to them no matter whether your love is reciprocated o r otherwise, that I believe is true love. This again is my definition and I probably tailored it to my situation. But I would like to believe that if you so wish for complete and unending happiness for another person without expecting so much so of a thanks from them, then you are being true in your love.

            And I would like to believe I am 🙂

            Please do not apologize to me ever Ms.Darling. I am not sure if you understand me yet, but ai truly mean it when I say you and Sir are special to me. We have never met and may never either. But that does not mean that I cannot consider you as my family.

            Deep words sometimes are regarded as craziness. Hope you do mot take this that way 😉

            Regards,
            BP

  6. melissaw01 says:

    It amazes me how a few words strung together by the one we love more than anything can take on their own meaning as we process them. And, clearly, Darling you and I have similarly functioning brains.

    • I am more than happy to share brain functions with you. lol

      I also think it’s a female thing. To a man (Sir included), it was like “Let’s have a ton of sex to drown my sorrow and forget.”
      To a woman it’s like: “I have been used, forsaken, dumped, and forgotten.”

      Sex is the last thing on a woman’s mind (I’m sure there are exceptions). It was about quality to me, not quantity. To give myself to someone was a big deal (still is), so to do it so casually isn’t something I understand.
      But then again, I’m a bit old fashioned and proud of it.

      ~ D

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