To Be Thankful

My Dear Australian Sir,

Today in America it is the holiday Thanksgiving, a day of expressing thanks. It’s a great time to reflect on our blessings and to show and feel gratitude. I, Sir, am extremely grateful for you – your compassion, your wittiness, your laughter, your heart, your soul, your love, and your life (to name a few).

Thank you for loving me with all that you are. I am truly a better woman for your love. Know that it is reciprocated fully, deeply, unconditionally, and purely. I adore you.

Gratefully yours,

Darling

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My Darling

American popular culture has permeated our own and while it is not something we celebrate here, Thanksgiving is day we Aussies know about through the many references found in your TV and Films.

The world could do much worse than have a day dedicated to giving thanks. I trust you are enjoying your holiday.

Thank you for you generous words. I always felt that I could be the best that I could be with you in my life and after fourteen and a half years I feel I could be that guy again. I have said it before and I will say it again, on a day dedicated to just this purpose, thank you for finding me and letting me back into your life.

You Will Always Be My Darling

From Sir With Love

©2013 Darling and Sir

Smile For Me

Written by Darling for Sir. She always says to him “smile for me.”

.

Smile for me

Because I can feel it

In my soul

.

It permeates my soul

And fills my whole being

With warmth

.

Your warmth comforts me

And embraces me completely

In you

.

You are so beautiful

And very real

So smile for me

.

By Darling ©2013 TSL

Through My Eyes

My Sweet Sir,

I know I have regurgitated some painful, ugly feelings lately. Many of those feelings surfaced due to new information I received. I am sorry for faltering. Thank you for riding this crazy roller coaster with me and for holding my hand. I know this journey will take time. It tries my patience with myself.

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes if even for a brief moment. You’d see the man I fell in love with 16 years ago. You’d see a man of strength, character, and charisma. And if by some small miracle you could visualize yourself through my eyes, I’d want you to feel the love and emotions that accompany my view. If you could experience my feelings, I think they’d leave you gasping on the floor with their intensity. They would overwhelm you and then you’d truly know and all doubt would be cast aside.

While I cannot pretend or deny away any of your painful actions, I can see past them to the man I once knew. I can feel your heart and soul. I can feel your joys and pains. I can even feel your smiles. When you laugh, the world is drawn in and laughs with you.  And, my oh my, your voice leaves me weak. I remember the gentleness and surety of your touch – the warmth, the passion, the love. My goodness your charm leaves me breathless.

You were and have always been such a magnetic presence. People have constantly looked to you for leadership and answers. You are a force to be reckoned with, and I am in awe.

I am not telling you these things to pamper any vanities or false pride you may have. On the contrary, I am merely expressing my opinions based on facts. You are my Sir – a gentleman of conviction and integrity.  You are a man who makes mistakes, yes, but one who accepts responsibility and doesn’t deviate or pass judgments.

I adore you. I love you.

Hopelessly devoted,

Darling

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My Dearest Darling

Your words are, as always, exquisite. You see something in me that I will grant you maybe was there 16 years ago. I am not sure it is still the case today; it saddens me to say it. With you in my life I was the best that I could be. After my hideous actions I made a string of questionable decisions (actually that’s just being polite, they were atrocious decisions). Sure I could be that guy again. I could be him for the same reasons as I was him 16 years ago. You would be by my side. I don’t doubt your feelings my love, I just wonder if you are in love with a guy who doesn’t exist anymore. I feel manifestly unworthy.

If I were to have a vanity it would be my voice. You know that I have used it professionally over the years but the fact that you derive some pleasure from it makes me incredibly happy. I remember caressing you with my hands, and I long to do so again. My hands still reach out to hold you now. I ache to run my fingers along the length of your legs, to cradle your face in my hands as we kiss, to wrap my arms around you as our passion ignites.

You say that you are in awe of me. I am humbled. It is I that is in awe of you. I know what I did to you. I know how I hurt you. I have carried a flame for you, thinking I would never hear from you again. Then after fourteen and a half years my phone lights up with a message from you. I reread an email I sent you 10 hours later. It was clear even then that I was so in love with you. I could see I was trying to hold it back; I was quite literally in shock. But my love for you just gushed out all the same.

My fear is that I must seem somewhat pathetic, a broken man holding out his hand for help and attention. Once you had truly identified yourself, my heart was in the pit of my stomach. I was transported back through time and all the pain and anguish that I felt came flooding back. Not a shadow, not an echo, not a glimmer. I was there. My terrible deed was done, blood was on my hands and evil was in my heart. I was overwhelmed with the guilt and remorse I had suppressed and ignored for so very long. That I had so callously discarded the thing in my life that was most precious to me, you, made me shake my head in utter disbelief at my own arrogance and stupidity.

I love you my darling, unashamedly, unabashedly and unequivocally. You are back in my life and while I feel totally unworthy, I am still hungry for you. I am selfish and deluded. I will take any morsel I can get and still beg for more. Yes I have accepted responsibility for what I have done, but I have not forgiven myself. There is only one way that I think I ever will. That however is too much to hope for.

 

You Will Always Be My Darling

From Sir With Love

©2013 Darling and Sir

Arms Wide Open

My Sweet Sir,

Recently we’ve shared memories and old pictures from our past. You sent one to me that I had forgotten and lost; not surprisingly, it has strongly affected me when I saw it again. It was one of the first photos you emailed me of you (if not the actual first one). You are above Watson’s Bay on a place you dubbed “The Rock.” You are bold and confident with a yellow sweater wrapped around your shoulders looking so debonair. Your arms are spread wide, and the beautiful Sydney skyline is behind you.

I love this picture for what it represented to me in my mind at the time. There you were a tall, dark-haired man whose smile pierced through the screen into my soul. Good grief you were so young and sure. Your open arms seemed to beckon me forward as if welcoming me into your life in a symbolic invitation that I so desperately wanted to accept right then and there, but neither one of us was looking for anything of that nature. Our feelings were just beginning to emerge and our relationship was growing and maturing. We were content to take it slow and enjoy the process of unraveling the mysteries of who we both were.

I could finally connect that rich, deep voice to a face, and it was a perfect match. I remember thinking that if those arms were to wrap around me, I’d never want to leave the safety of their circle. To be hugged and held in those long arms was a fantasy and dream. I escaped to that dream often. I found comfort in it and in you.

We’ve shared many significant hugs that I know will be talked about at some point. I dream of your hug now. I can’t even fathom being held in your arms again.

Yearningly,

Darling

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My Darling

How truly wonderful that you remember that photo so fondly, I remember when it was taken and the photographer. At the time I had no idea it would become part of your life.  I have a definite memory of emailing it to you however, I had to choose it carefully. I had hit an age and my vanity and ego were a little fragile as somewhat evidenced by my choice. A little paunch had developed and maybe some love handles. The sweater, or jumper as we would call it here, nicely disguised the later of the issues and the front on pose to the camera disguised the other.

The jumper itself holds a special place in my heart. As you are already aware it was hand knitted by my dear old mother. It is one of those things that I treasure. My mother who only left this world a little over eighteen months ago, just 3 days shy of her 90th birthday, would be pleased to know her handiwork still has an admirer. It means a lot to me that you speak of it so warmly. Having said all that I must admit to feeling it to be faintly preposterous that we imbue an inanimate object with such affection. However when you search across the void that is the world wide web you clutch on to every subtlety, every nuance to ensure you garner the very last drop of meaning out of every exchange and intimacy shared.  On a more light hearted note you will be pleased to know that it still fits, even if there is less room to move within the garment itself. 

You are right however when you say that when I sent you that picture it was not an overtly intentional invitation to come join me. We were certainly growing closer, but there were many things that could prevent us from being together, the most obvious being the Pacific Ocean and the 12,600 kilometres that stood, and still stands, so firmly between us. I’d love to think that I was sending you some subliminal message even then. It’s nice to think that you saw it so. You say we were content to take it slow and let the mysteries unravel. I certainly agree with that on an emotional level. But the rational side of us fought that feeling, not hard or particularly well, but there was a fight nonetheless. The fact that we gave in and let our emotions run rampant is a testimony to how strong our bond became.

You say it was your fantasy to be held in those arms. Well it was my fantasy to hold you. You and I both know that we fulfilled both of our fantasies on that particular front. Yes we will talk of that time as this story unfolds. But I must say it saddens me a little to hear you say you cannot fathom being held in my arms again. That is however my cross to bear. As we grow closer through this process, far closer than we have been for many many years. I am inextricably drawn to you; I can’t help but hold on to some utterly unachievable goal that one day we may share that simple pleasure again.

 

You Will Always Be My Darling

From Sir With Love

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My Dear Sir,

Unfathomable isn’t impossible, it’s just hard to imagine after so much time has passed. I want to insert our favorite Downton Abbey quote here, but it has an ironic, cruel twist to it in this context.